roadmaps of forgiveness

I am always questioning myself.Not about trivial pursuits like what should I wear or what to make for dinner, but about the big stuff in life. Why was I ever mean to my kids when I was raising them? Why did I say dumb things to people ? Sometimes ,I'll find something that I wrote 2 years ago.I have a habit of writing inside the book covers of my special "self-help" books.When I re- read the advice I would have given to a mom whose daughter was acting out, I was appalled. It sounded like I was coming from some great and high throne,King Solomon-like, and was detached from the event.As I reread it, it sounded so egoic to me.It caused me to cringe. I am so glad I never spoke with the woman, she would still think I was a bitch. But,at the time ,it seemed coherent and wise. In 2 years,I've grown . Hopefully, by reviewing what we say and think over time, we can look at ourselves,in retrospect and laugh instead of of gritting our teeth,and cringing, like I did ,when I reread the dribble. I guess this is where the important aspect of forgiveness comes into play. we need to be able, not only to forgive our current selves but the self we were in the past. Thats why its important to write stuff down, so we can go back, see where we were and see where we've come.Like a road map...
When we only document our lives through photographs, we realize that the photos are posed,non candid, almost fake...smiling faces shining outwards, projecting to the world ...but words, they tell the truer story.

I had a dream about someone this morning .
I guess you would call her an X-friend,..I referred to her at the time of our prolonged "breakup" as a "frien-nemy'. She taught me the meaning of that... anyway, it was a lucid dream, real, either you are aware that you're dreaming or you wake within it, this one I knew was a dream...and the amazing thing was,she had finally lost the extra 5 pounds she had been talking about and trying to lose in my 8 year relationship with her.
And I was happy for her.
We stood on the banks of an urban river, clear and warm, surrounded by tall skyscrapers on both sides,..and I was going in, ..she was trying to get her kids to come with her because she had a performance she needed to attend...instead , she dove into the water ahead of me,.I was delighted,amused,...she was wearing her proverbial cashmere sweater with her perfect hair style and done makeup, and her thighs were thin,..I laughed, we both did, at her strength and carelessness, her spontaneity.... i wish now that our relationship had been more like the dream...because deep down, inside of her, is that authentic,vibrant person yearning for release, unconcerned about her or her's kids social status,... standing and playing like a child,unafraid,happy.
It felt really good

Too much Haiti?...or not enough?

This earthquake in a third world nation jolted me into a massive wave of compassion, that sometimes,because we are living our quotidian lives,we allow to flag.My personal biggest fear,as evidenced by my panic when I have to go into the MRI,is closed spaces.I have meditated on this recent series of events where folks have been smashed under suffocating concrete for days, with no inkling of outcome...I dont know how my psyche could handle it, it is immeasurable suffering in so many ways, please, right at this moment,while reading this,even if you don't believe in our connectedness, offer a breath of release and love and light to those still trapped under the rubble.I know, or think I know, that if it were me in there,I would get some relief just knowing that you cared enough to send me your heartlove,...
Have you considered HOW this will bring about a change in the world?
Take a moment to think about this...
After the Supreme Court ruling that Corporations have the same Rights as individuals,I now understand that WE did this to ourselves.I'm not talking about the actual earthquake,but the lack of thought/compassion that we had towards their plight.
In regards to the corporations,WE bought all the plastic toys, WE overindulged as a culture, we are all culpable...and now, our karma is upon us. How do we make restitution? ...By being compassionate, giving, understanding, changing our attitudes and our behavior from ME,ME,ME to US,US,US. Old habits ,hard to change, but we can do it, we can..
buy less,love more.

what is a TRIBE?

TRIBE is a powerful family that is of your choosing.It doesn't have to be related by name or DNA.It is a safe place to rest your soul. Safe meaning trust. A group of like hearted individuals that form a deep connection, perhaps through or in the process of being a part of something that is bigger than yourself.You will and can recognize your tribe by the feelings of absolute unconditional love you feel for each one in the tribe. Inviting each member to be their Self,allowing them space to do their thing, even if their thing isn't always something that you agree with,although generally, a tribe will coalesce into such a loving consciousness and presence and respect for one another that whatever someone else's THING usually becomes a beautiful aspect of that person that you learn to accept and grow to appreciate. Tribe is trust.Tribe is nurturing.A much under appreciated aspect of modern society as we all, even mothers, need to be mothered,fathered,parented,... nutured. It is the space where you can reveal, be silent, relax, cuddle, touch hearts, express, cry, feel, and not be judged, but be loved and comforted.It is a space where you can be you, dropping the identities you may have built up outside your tribe, like"mom", "wife", "Doctor","'engineer", "writer", "waitress",yes, you are still these identities but not defined by them.As if you had been washed clean of the layers and are revealed as a child again. The only thing required to be a member is trust and respect. we are here for our tribe,always and all ways. It includes friendship, family, and deep bonds of love. Without a tribe, you may be adrift in the sea of insanity.Your tribe offers a place of refuge for your soul, a place where your soul can play and rest, recharge. I give my deepest unconditional love and gratitude to mt tribe.Thank you from the depths of my heart for giving my soul a well of love to drink and a buffet of experiences.Thank you for the mindful practices you bring to even the simple actions of preparing and serving food or lighting a fire.Thank you for snuggling and laughing so hard it hurts,...and offering and smiling and a hand on the shoulder.Life has expanded outwards so far because of you that I cannot, nor do I want, to try to contain my love.

Fur those of you with an open heart and mind!

Recently,my friend posted a comment on her Facebook wall "why are people so bothered by FUR and not leather?".
A woman(call her 'kiva") that responded to my friend's wall post stated" why should you give a rat's ass? ..they are just jealous!". Oh, really? Are they?
I pondered Kiva's glib retort...and thought about my 14 year old daughter's undying conviction to save the animals, her truly deep, empathic nature that deemed her a self proclaimed vegetarian at the age of 8, meeting strong resistance from her parents(yes, I resisted due to the protein concern).It hurts my daughter in a deep ,primitive way to eat or kill animals. I'm sure there are folks who feel similarly about a multitude of issues, abortion being one of them.
With that in mind, my daughter isn't JEALOUS AT ALL of someone's fur wearing. I offered an answer to my friend's FB query that it perhaps was because we raise and kill the animals for the fur only,while, with leather, it is a byproduct of eating the cow( note: we don't make DOG coats). I further suggested that if she chooses to wear fur,do it with intention.
She already has bought it, so honor the animal and be grateful for the skin.
I want to discuss the woman, Kiva, further,the one that made the remark regarding "you shouldnt care a rat's ass...they are jealous!". What I'd like to do is DECONSTRUCT her habitual, thinking process or NON thinking process that was the foundation of her remarks. Let's first break it down,"you shouldnt care or give a rat's ass"-actually, you should care about what is hurtful to others.I'm not suggesting that you live trying to make everyone happy, but you need to take responsibility for the wearing of the fur. You know that it hurts people so honor that,wear the fur with love and gratitude, even if it is your attitude. In your heart ,be grateful for the beauty of the animal's coat.This will be felt as an energy that will permeate out from you and any shame associate with it will be diminished. Be thoughtful in the future and perhaps you will make a different choice, there are fabulous faux furs that are very warm.
Second, breaking down the next statement"They are just jealous!". HHMMM..maybe this woman is projecting her own thoughts, maybe SHE is jealous...and, of what? the price? the expense? the luxury? ..what would someone be jealous of? I believe she crafted that remark to be obsequious,same thing as "kissing up". But, I might be wrong about that, Jealousy is something you want that someone else has, the very last thing an animal activist desires is REAL FUR to wear! To covet an item such as a fur implies PRIDE, as if someone is PROUD of owning something expensive, and well, come on folks, thats just EGO!
Anyway, when I woke up this morning to check my friend's profile, she had deleted ALL comments related to the fur issue.When I asked her "why?",she said some people "got violent". WOW! That means they identified with the issue of the fur. When I tried to find this woman, Kiva,to see who she was,(ie, NRA?) she had BLOCKED me!
Some people, not only don't like anyone who has a different opinion from them, but they are afraid to be exposed to a different view or paradigm, it scares them....and that, my friends ,leads to a closed heart and a closed mind!
I hope you are not afraid of an opposing viewpoint!

People that make assumptions shouldnt throw insults

I thought that "The Four Agreements" was a book many people had read.Apparently not.I was verbally accosted by a man recently who said I called his wife"fat". Now, honestly, I have NEVER,EVER called anyone fat, not even my fat family members!I figure that everyone is exactly the way they are supposed to be at this moment in time, so I was taken aback by his attack. What I had said to her was " look at the watermelon you're carrying!". She was 8 months pregnant with twins! So, actually, she was carrying a very large fruit basket in her belly! As this was meant to be an endearment, she obviously didnt feel that way and she assumed I called her fat,well, thats what her husband told me, actually,it may have been him that made the assumption.. It was months later when her hubbie confronted me.He yelled at me and told me that I couldnt say anything "like that " to his wife because "she is very,very sensitive about her weight."HMMMM,...I was left wondering,who was more sensitive, him or her? She seems like a fairly strong woman, that would not be "upset" by a benign comment made with the intention of being sweet. It was a grand lesson for me that when people assume one thing, when you never implied anything, means they have an expectation for others to walk on glass,i.e, be aware of THEIR sensitivities, and respond "appropriately"to them. As a follower of The four agreements,I work hard at not only "not assuming" but also, at not taking things personally.I also try to be impeccable with my words and would never say anything that I felt would be hurtful or misunderstood.I learned a long time ago never to ask any woman"are you pregnant?" or "Is that your grandchild?"Alas, it is human nature for folks to create drama and suffering by assuming. It's probably selfish and egoic to expect everyone to empathize or identify with your issues/problems/difficulties.I'm certainly not suggesting that we do not extend kindness, compassion, and love towards others, just the opposite, we need to see others as a reflection of ourselves,"ANOTHER ME". But, we should try to avoid the desire for others to KNOW and feed into our sad stories or our "sensitivities".The point is to try to grow beyond your sad stories that tie you down into a state of suffering .When we resist letting go of our "sad stories/difficult times" ,we suffer. And, its human nature to want others to suffer with us. Lets all work on acceptance of what is,of others, of making mistakes, and work on NOT making assumptions or taking things personally.AND, not expecting other folks to know what our issues are. Stop being sensitive! There is always someone ,somewhere who has a much worse sad story than you,someone who is in more pain, or who has more loss.Whether you gain weight and feel "fat" or whether you are struggling financially, or have an illness.Work on a different story, change the words you use,i.e., a "difficult time" becomes "my most valuable lesson" or "my biggest struggle". Let the assumptions fall away, release your sad story, and suffering will be diminished.It's transformational and magic! BTW, here's a photo of me "fat" after delivering my 6lb "watermelon".

letting go of what does not serve your higher purpose

Like the Phoenix, sometimes you have to burn or cut off a part of you that isnt serving you. It may be a family member or an old friend. In many cases, it hurts.It will be painful to let go of someone you have been friends with or known for a long time, but what happens when you grow, is that you are building upon a change inside of you, as you begin to change, others around you may be fearful of the change and may try to bring you 'down',hold you back, keep you the "same".It feels good for them...comfortable to have you be someone they can continue to label,i.e., "he's the shy one" or "She's always so pushy". . they may tell you that you are wrong or bad or selfish, etc....but, if YOU know that the direction you are taking is the true path for YOU, then you must stay on the path even if it means losing the naysayers along the way. your loss may be a friend,a behavior, a job, or even , a marriage.If someone or something is not serving the purpose of your soulwork, let it go.You can recognize these people by the way they make you feel and the words thay say to you.If anyone gives you doubt,ie, "I'm not sure thats going to work out for you" or "Why are wearing that dress?"or "You can't do that!".These are just a few examples of the words that those who doubt will use to keep you from growing, changing, expanding, transforming. Another way of knowing who these folks are is a feeling you may become aware of in your solar plexus,Be attuned to the feeling , tightness, cold, constricted, empty, feeling that is left behind when they leave. Thats a BIG sign of someone who is not serving your higher purpose.
Let go of whatever is not serving your higher purpose.

Home Improvement vs Body "Improvement"

How is fixing up your home ,ie,painting, upgrading the plumbing,buying a colorful rug, etc, different from doing the same with your body? Is trying to improve your looks any different? If we should be accepting of all things, then why plant flowers in the garden?Why hang fabrics on the walls, or have paintings hung? Why is a laser to remove deep wrinkles from the sun damage different from re-plastering your pool that is peeling off? And ,at what point do we distinguish what IS and ISNT vanity? Isnt getting your hair colored vain? Where do we draw a line between what is "accepting of what is" vs. "resistance to what is"? I think we would all agree that putting large globules of material into your lips to achieve "Angelina Jolie" lips is not the same as putting fancy rims on your car,...or is it? What about braces to straighten the teeth? Shaving our face or legs?Or desiring contact lenses over glasses?
How can we rationalize "fixing up our car and home"as any thing different from what we do to our physical appearance?
is it all a matter of vanity to want to do anything to improve, just different degrees of nonacceptance?