3 Essential and Powerful Tools to Not Giving a Fuck.

Pondering Self.

  

It makes me smile to know that, as far as others judging me, I don't give a fuck. 

 This doesn't exclude 'caring' about them, or wanting to know their 'opinion', ...it simply means that I have such massive and hard earned Self-esteem, that I literally don't give a hoot about your opinion of me.

  I understand that we all have opinions based on our culture, upbringing, religion, and personal insecurities about what is and isn't right, or what we should or shouldn't do, ...I understand indoctrination,....clinging to thin threads of the illusion.

Yet, I have gone rogue, rebellious even, to promote radical self acceptance. 

 I love when notable people have ceased to 'give a fuck'. its helps to empower the mainstream into being more deeply authentic.

 By a certain time in life, many people have lost their way and forgotten who they really are.

This creates massive uncertainty and anxiety.

If you want to remember who you really are, go back to your seven year old self,... that's who YOU are.
Meanwhile, one's life has changed,  hormones, surroundings (or maybe not), and the comfortable prison of rules and vague standards you and your environment have created for you.

 I can give advice on finding the path,...as one goes creeping about in the underbrush of their psyche, searching for themselves....turning to therapists, workshops, new age 'gurus', and pharm in hopes of finding the lost soul, using a blurry pair of thick glasses, instead of a razor sharp, high tech GPS navigational system, one that is gifted as we explore natural, powerful, plant-based alternatives for healing... I call them the 'find your soul" app, like your iPhone. 

 I call myself a soul guide to finding the real you, a Sherpa of lost souls.

 That jewel of the authentic soul buried down deep inside of what one may have become, an unrecognizable human, one that drinks to oblivion, has random sex, attaches to someone else who has lost their soul, watches endless TV, feels fomo, the inability to be alone, feelings of loneliness, or takes substances to numb the inability to find that lost nature,... 

 It's this confusion that causes suffering,...being lost, unsure of one's purpose, utter loneliness,  because the 'you of you' is gone.

Perhaps the 'you of you' was stolen in childhood pains, traumas, and suffering.

Perhaps, one willingly gave it away in a codependent or abusive relationship.

Abandonment, abuse, parents that were mentally ill or in a cult,... whatever IT is, it's a sad story, and most everyone has one. 

This is not to diminish one's personal sad story, just simply highlighting the collective nature of our shared suffering and consciousness. 

 I say ...seek the tools available to find the little child lost, ..rise up against the fear of change.

This 'rising up' through fear may be painful.

Yet, rising up through suffering is a great tool,.

 Like a caterpillar, suffering so badly that one is forced to break free of the cocoon into total liberation,... and fly.

Some essential tools for deepening one's relationship with self:

1-Plant based medicines, one may have heard of ayahuasca, ibogaine, toad experiences, peyote, mushrooms, and any and all of the indigenous substances used by tribes and religions around the world for centuries to alleviate suffering in a natural and sacred context. 

All done in an intentional setting.

2-Being within a community of people that support and celebrate one's authentic self, ...instead of a community that seeks to impose strict, and somewhat unspoken, cultural guidelines,.

  (I use religion as an example of a fear based method of controlling the masses- saying what we can do and who we can be...) 

 Although, it may seem scary, it's possible to break away from restraints that cease to celebrate one's

beautiful, healthy Selfness.

3 -Read and listen to the Masters, absorbing words of truth, comfort, and acceptance.

 I'm not referring to the new age texts and workshops that will attempt to corral one's money to gain 'truth and find one's true self', but the age-old Masters, or those that have studied these texts and have rewritten them in a way that modern readers and seekers may comprehend.

May you be blessed and find a bright light that illuminates your path.

much love, and fire,

dr deb 

How Do You Know If You're Wise?

 My grandson told me that anyone at any age can be wise.

I had been under the impression that experience in life coupled with 'time' was what was required to be considered wise.

 Afterall, after fifty or sixty, you've had a chance to get married, earn an education, work at a few jobs, marry, raise children, be afflicted with illness, lose people, have a broken heart, and so on,...

 On review,  I'm apt to agree with Jakey- living a long time, and experiencing life does help you in the quest for wisdom, yet, doesn't necessarily mean that you will gain it.

The inability to take all these experiences you've had, and shape them into a cohesive package of knowledge that can be utilized to make life easier can derail the wisdom self.

When we learn all this knowledge, skill, and lessons, we have to be able to arrange them into a tapestry of working principles.

These principles must be applicable to the human experience, and not just our own individual limited lives.

We must be able to form a well made picture of foundational and truth-bearing pearls that will apply not only to our lives, but the human condition as well.

 For this is where wisdom resides.

 For instance, your car is robbed, the crooks break into your car and steal your stuff .

This could lead one to be distrustful of others... people steal, they rob you, you can't trust people.

The bigger picture and the wiser one, would see this as a different lesson, with overriding umbrella and guiding principles. ..perhaps, the one that broke into your car is a drug addict, the addiction is based on this person's childhood trauma, this brings frustration, sadness at your loss, yet, coupled with compassion for the human condition, and wisdom to not keep anything of value inside the car, parking it in a safer place, etc,... the wise one learns a multitude of lessons.

The not-so-wise one learns that humans are bad, and goes deeper into a state of anger, distrust, and stress.

The wise one learns from their mistake, changes their behavior, understands that one can't change others, accepts the loss, takes action, continues to trust, and stores the info away to be used for future endeavors.

The wise one doesn't allow an individual incident to steal the trust.

The wise one then passes on these lessons to others in various forms.

The key to being wise is to be able to see life from someone  else's perspective and to apply those various perspectives to your own life.

Thanks Jakey,  you're absolutely correct, one can be wise at any age, it's simply a matter of seeing from someone else's perspective, walking in another person's shoes, and understanding that one, lone  perspective is built upon one human's experience.

The tapestry of wisdom we weave is more beautiful and strengthened by the threads of the collective stories.

So, remember, a good test of whether or not you are wise, comes from the ability to step out of your opinion, and into someone else's, seeing the situation from another set of eyes, even if it doesn't merge with your own....

That's wisdom.

What I learned from the playa this year,2011

 I'm going to attempt to express my story here...when my foot stepped off the RV, onto the cracked playa 2 weeks ago, it seemed everything was wrong with me,at least in my spouse's heart. I talked too much, I nagged , I wasn't focused, i had too much energy... Big B was exploring his own head space,somewhat overwhelmed by the art car, trailer, mechanical, RV, issues, bringing our son, our kids leaving next year, our own rite of passage, emotions, and he decided that he wouldn't talk to me,a passive -aggressive move I'm familiar with,.. I seemed to be a major, constant, irritant to him , for his own personal reasons and whatever shit he had brought with him to the playa...I wanted to get through it , work it out.
  At one point,in our first 4 days there, as we worked building the city, before the burn started,before the city "opened' for business, I decided that the burn would be a lot better if B and I could communicate, seemed like if he would talk to me,we'd have a lot more fun too.conversely, perhaps he was just going deaf, like me...maybe he was losing his hearing, , I had  just gotten hearing aids and knew that eyes, ears, strength, and flexibility seem to be lost rather quickly as your form deteriorates.
 B was going out for the first test run of the  art car , and asked Marley if he wanted to go out on the playa. "What about me?" "Am I invited too?" I asked, hurt,of course,... I mean, I didnt want to be hurt by this, but it was programmed in me ...I sat down (actually slumped) in a lawn chair,crying earnestly, and told him that the burn was gonna suck if we didnt talk right now about what was going on., that we were creating our burn together right at this moment. He said it was because I wasn't in the moment, hmmmm,..we all know that you cant blame others for passive/aggressive behavior. We had danced this old dance so many times, me being the source of his irritation, him responding by shutting down to me and opening up to everyone else, a form of punishing me for being myself,... a cruel irony I was used to(  ahhh,...awareness can be difficult in the darkness of old behavioral patterns) So, after a wee bit of me, standing strong and insistent on integrating our shared experiences, insistent  for a connection with my best buddy in life, telling him how I wanted to be loved ,not scorned, ...he softened, and we connected. Meanwhile, back In camp, I was doing some motherly/shaman/medical work for our camp, providing a small clinic to my camp mates.
Sometime, towards the middle of the Burn, the camp leaders approached me as I was headed to the burn pit to burn some compost, I saw them coming towards me, I felt that I was doing something wrong, and when they spoke, I felt, at first, as if they were going to reprimand me for SOMETHING I HAD DONE WRONG!. instead, they wanted to give me a beautiful piece of swag and then proceeded to say the most wonderful sweet things.WTF,!!! there it was AGAIN! whats wrong with me? The sick feeling that lives in my solar plexus and gut. That has set up shop there for as long as I can remember ,.....totally  activated .
Ok, so the burn began with a strong sense of everything that was wrong with me.Even moments of praise and gratitude from my camp mates were activated by the strong sense.

 As the week progressed, I felt the service of what I bring to the playa unfold and blossom. Im there to provide solace, strength, nurturing , compassion, inspiration, and comfort.I fell deeply into my work. It was fairly heavy at times interspersed with complete liberation . Yet, all week, I wanted to laugh, long and hard and break open from the heaviness. I verbalized it to my friends.By the end of the burn, at the Temple fire, I stood where I like to stand, as close as I can to the edge of the fire ,surrounded by it, and then, my motto,... I step ONE STEP closer. Next, I stay as long as I can (til i'm burning) and  then I STAY LONGER.
 Inside of me, as I was burning in the fire, I felt a vague familiar rise of kundalini stirring in my spine and my gut. I asked for tears to well up, I asked to cry,and so I did, a little..., next day, I drove home, we cleaned the RV, everything was put back in place...Oh yes, an important note( maybe not), a few  days before the temple burn ,I had written "whats wrong with me?"on the Temple wall( remember, my first moments at the burn were all about feeling that something was wrong with me, all these childhood emotions flared up in my abdomen like when I was a kid)...so, i was going to burn those feelings, I had decided that nothing was wrong with me, that Everything was RIGHT WITH ME.
 I told b about this, that I had allowed him, in those first days on the playa,to make me feel as if there was something wrong with me when actually, there wasn't anything wrong with me.and also, that I had burned this feelings in the fire.
Upon return from Black rock city, I was WIPED out! I couldn't move , I wanted to sleep, my body ached, my head seemed dull, slight dizziness, extreme fatigue...burned out literally. Within 2 days of being  back here, I actually heard myself ask out loud, "Whats wrong with me?" Fuck! I thought, I burned that! DAMMIT!,Now, it was a physical "whats wrong with me?" SHIT, i couldnt escape myself!
 So, drained and weary,we drove up to Joshua Tree to the Bhakti yoga festival. Having done this event for 3 years, I know how powerful it is, but coming on the heels of Burning Man, seemed a little excessive, yet, we wouldn't miss it and headed up there.

 We arrived in the clean-ish, still dusty, RV at JT.
Kirtan was going off, 24/7, delicious conscious foods, raw, fresh, light, love, devotion everywhere,...and SOOOO... many people who had just returned from the burn!
 Lydia, who was vending her amazing foods, had just come from cooking for 2 camps , Caraucci-with her fashion, the Other deepak-singing 35 shows at Black rock, now onstage for more,and,on and on, all these amazing people, who had hauled their shit to the playa, and then come right out to the festival to work,....for me though, It felt like a release from service. I was there to restore,breathe, and listen to the music of love.
 Saturday morning, I happened upon a folk rock singer ,named Ena Vie, singing at second stage, I loved her deep, soulful voice, reminiscent of my good friend, Shawn bisi. She had a powerful ,mature musical array .
And then, it happened, during her set. I felt the same tears that would not form as I stood close to the burning fire at the Temple,,I felt them bubbling up, boiling , churning out of me, heaving, sobbing for the longest moment, it kept flowing, something had opened up, spilling my 'whats wrong with me' all over the festival floor. And then, the magic of the universe occurred, in that moment,I was standing again in front of the fire at the TEMPLE!!this was no memory, I was there, i was burning and crying and releasing all this shit into the fire,even though I was sitting at mid morning on another desert floor at a kirtan concert.I was in both places at once. I was aware of everything, the people around me, probably wondering what was going on with me,happy for me to be feeling deeply... where was brian I wondered? It was as if I was in an empty, cavernous hall with soaring ceilings, and rooms with open doors coming from all directions,...my thoughts were coming from the open doorways,..one thought i had was a conversation with the woman I had met the day earlier who had shared her divine transformative experience with me, where she had cried for 3 hours, during a fairly typical daily routine ....was I doing this crying because of her?Had she planted the seed the day before? I was everywhere at once, and I knew it was a BIG event. And then, I realized that this GRAND event was want I had been desirous of for a while since my last BIG event. Now, that I know these crazy blissful moments are available, I have missed having them and I wanted one! This was the big event that I had desired at the Temple Burn, even though I had told myself NOT TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS, I  had lied to myself. I DID have an expectation,dammit... I wanted to feel a divine orgasm again, I wanted to feel these big, blissful moments more. And here I was ,in the middle of ONE! And, appreciating it, and thankful for it, and acknowledging all the tangential thoughts that were associated with it.It was the interlocking puzzle pieces coming together to form a  picture (note: on the playa, there was a giant interlocking puzzle that I stumbled upon and thought at the time"Hey, I THINK OF LIFE as an interlocking puzzle, I am going to stop and experience this art work.!!"

 OK, that's it, I thought I had wanted to laugh at Burning Man, I guess I really wanted to cry, and it didnt happen at the burn,it happened at the bhakti, BUT, I WAS transported BACK to the burn( OR,IT was transported to the NOW) ,I was able to combine and experience 2 instances in time,then and now, at the same time and in the same space. so, Im left wondering,with a deep question that perhaps one of you can answer, ... if I can experience the THEN (the past-standing in front of this recent Temple fire) at the same time as the now( crying in JT at a festival), and time and space have been obliterated...how can I commingle the future with the now and bring the 2 together into this moment?
 So, what did I learn, what did I experience? ...Im left wondering so many things, will I have more of these profound experiences?(yes!), ...how far can we go into profound? how big are we ? Whats available to me?....and most importantly, since all these crazy ass puzzle pieces came together, big b, the camp leaders, the woman telling her story about crying for 3 hours, Ena Vies magical music, Temple fires, ....time space.....I can state that nothing is wrong with me, and will now ask myself,when confronted with these old feelings, WHATS RIGHT WITH ME?
in love
dr deb
ps, your story from the playa? please share, make it long and include the details!

jealousy as a learning tool

 I used to be jealous, but over the past few years, I have worked to understand where that feeling comes from, the source of the ugly monster. I have done this by going deeper into the emotions of jealousy,  rolling around in the gripping, sick feeling that I feel in my solar plexus/abdomen ( you may feel it somewhere else)...I found, for me, it came from a place of abandonment, loneliness, fear of loss, separation,and just plain ole fear.   Nowadays, Im trying to live fearlessly... , this 'diving deeper' into the jealousy pool-the dark, sorrowful place where I began to overcome my fear, has been a conduit for dissolving the jealousy. Literally,imaging the particles of it falling away from me.
Jealousy can get even worse as you age and every younger woman (or man if you are of a different ilk or gender), seems a threat, whether they are beautiful or not!...when I was younger, and totally HOT, I could tell myself that "Im more beautiful than her" and believe it (ahhh,the lies we tell ourselves are the hardest ones to stop telling), but, really, its ALL an illusion,.. beauty,wealth,power, influence,... what's real? What's real is what you are left with when this life is done.Truth and Love! (can i get a witness? hallelujah!-coming at ya from the church of deb)... truth =beauty = power, and all three are truly within you,...
  I now see the real beauty in everyone...I reflect your beauty back to you, Im just a mirror,polished and reflective. My energy is your energy. When you look at me, you are seeing your own shining light...and you are so beautiful.
 I'll  keep polishing my mirror, you are responsible for your own.
 The brighter your mirror,the more love is returned to you.
If everyone is ONE, then how can we be jealous of our self?
 
ps, thats my son,Marley!

YIKES! Handling Negative Energy With Love!

 Whilst out and about in my hometown at the 'fancy' shopping area a while back, I ran into a woman I had met many years ago.

 We weren't friends, but knew one another socially, we both had kids that had gone to the same schools.

 Both of our lives had undergone massive transformations in our respective worlds.

Two diversely different stories., ...and either of us could have gone the same as the other.

She had finally caught her rich, older, businessman husband of twenty five years, cheating on her with his long time mistress.

Rumors had abounded for years, and it seemed everyone in town knew about it, except her. Even I had heard about it and had assumed she knew and was fine with the situation.

Apparently not.

She divorced him over the affair, and I heard he settled with twenty million and a beach house,.

 She moved to the beach and set up a new life as a fifty year old, single, rich divorcee.

I'd heard that she had taken on a young tennis instructor boyfriend and that her ex-husband had remarried a woman twenty five years his junior, and it wasn't the long term mistress, ...so much drama,.. and a typical cliched story.

 I had been through the experience of Burning Man, divine epiphany, full body orgasm in the fire, kundalini awakening, deep self exploration, and radical transformation, ...l had undergone drama too, yet, it had served to draw my husband and I closer.

 
We acknowledged one another upon passing and I said "it's Tory, right?" (name changed)

"Yes,..and Deborah?'"she queried.

"Well, yes, ...technically,... but everyone calls me 'DrDeb' now", making a point of explaining my moniker.

"I'm a doctor TOO," she hastily replied, and totally unbeknownst to me that she was a 'doctor', ...a PHD of some sort, maybe?

"So, I guess that makes ME ''Dr Tory'!"she responded aggressively.

"Soooo..I'M going to call you Deborah", she stated flatly, boring her eyes into me, challenging me, as if to say, "who do you think you are, telling ME to call YOU, DOCTOR?".

 I was instantly gripped by an old, dirty feeling from before my transformation,  a childhood sensation, a sick, twisting pain in my solar plexus.

"I wasn't good enough, ..I'm too filled with myself,.. I'm a phony, living a lie",...old pain coursing through my psyche, as my ego rattled off these admonishments belittling myself.

Even with all her millions and the beach house, did I feel superior to her? And had I sounded that way?

I reacted, perhaps a bit too quickly explaining that ''DrDeb'' was my nickname, and that it had been bestowed upon me as an endearment, making an excuse perhaps.

"But, I suppose you didn't know about that ...", I muttered weakly, my voice trailing off... the old, sick feeling expanding.

 She couldn't get away from me fast enough, perhaps it was MY expanding outward, sick energy pushing her away, ...perhaps there was a smugness I exuded...  and she hastily threw out an excuse about having to run 'meet someone',  or 'do something', or 'be somewhere', the excuse was uniform, practiced, rehearsed,... you know it, ...we have all heard it, or said it,...something along the lines of "we can speak later, when I have more time" ...

I knew the lie.

There would be no 'more time' between us.


"Never complain, never explain"...and here I was, explaining, reflecting my image back at me,...

With the twisted sickness stirring around in my gut, my first, literally GUT reaction, was never wanting to encounter her again.
Maybe it was the smug, "I'm so spiritual"ME that I didn't want to encounter again?

Was I experiencing a reflection of my own Self?

Had I really come so far on the path of spirit?
With all her physical material possessions, was I equally encumbered by my own spiritual materialism?

 Both of our energies were so strong. that it extended beyond our physical forms, radiating outwards into one another, taking on a life on its own.

It, was quick, powerful, and reminded of me of what I  must have looked liked,
where I had been, where I had come, and where I NEVER wanted to return.

I didn't want to be making excuses or explaining to anyone who I was or where I'd been....nor did I ever want to fall out of Grace, exuding impervious superiority.

With all her money, she exuded neither love, openness, contentment, or happiness,  she seemed wrapped in ego.

Or was it me I was looking at?... was I any less complicit? Less egoic?

Despite all my spiritual work, was I any different?

Where was MY compassion towards her?

 Each encounter is a lesson, a reminder....

Next time I see her, I'm reminded to be compassionate.

She taught me that, by showing me myself.

The greater the light shines, the greater the shadow cast.

P.S. I ran into Tory recently at a restaurant, and the exchange was markedly different and pleasant. She seemed genuinely delighted to see me,.. so, I had to wonder again, had the negativity I felt from her all those months ago have been my own reflection,?
I'm left to reflect, wonder, and learn.

Friday night at the Bar (or putting the phrase"love everybody" to the test

I was at the Tack Room Tavern,a "polo-crowd" bar at the polo fields with Big B last friday night. I had a bladder infection 2 days before and Big B doesnt drink, so we sat with a plate of food at the bar. We were sitting ,laughing and talking ,when this tall,pale,bleached blonde, thickly made up, woman, in her late forties descended behind us, to "chat".
Her first question to me was "why are dressed like that?" to which I responded, "like what?"
"you really can't wear that, you know...it doesn't look good." she boldly stated, with much certainty.She then continued in a rapid fire manner,"You are so old!How old are you?you are as old as this guy."pointing to the guy in the stool next to me( Paul,a craggy gray haired guy in his sixties sitting next to me, was also listening in to her rant, and felt quite pleased to be included , even if to be used as an example of how "old" I was.).Leaning into Brian's face,she slurred,"you must be 30 years younger than her!Is she a trust fund baby? She 's a trust fund baby. Hang onto her and ride the wave til its gone!" she advised Big B.
She turned back to me,"So, how old ARE you?"
I replied,"I think I'm about the same age as YOU."
"Oh God, Im not as old as you."-she said.
"I think you're very drunk" I stonily said,staring into her unfocused eyes.
"NO, Im not drunk at all", reaching for her wine.
Paul and I looked at one another and shook our heads, "sad", "yes. sad".
I'd never been affronted like that before, it was oddly fun.
My thoughts and feeling were as follows, she WAS sad and unhappy. She needs to NOT drink ever if she wants to have friends or be invited to social gatherings!
It was a lesson in deep acceptance and I needed to love her even more than someone easy to love.
After saying our goodbyes to Paul, Big B and I slipped away.I was left with a dirty sensation that took all of 3 minutes to shrug off.

Fear and Loving in Las Vegas

I was a guest in an opulent palace and an opulent experience yesterday,it was called the "Mansion".Its a very secret(private) exclusive part of the MGM Grand hotel In Vegas.
ONLY high rollers(I'm guessing minimum of 125,000.00$,thats just a guess) can stay there. It is the nexus of exclusive and decadence. It was fun but more than that ,it was seductive.Not for me, but I imagine that many folks would lust after this type of situation. Picked up in a private jet,premier seats at the gaga concert,the most expensive champagne, best table at the best club, roped off with a personal bodyguard,everything in the 5000 ft villa computerized, fresh flowers, private waiters that serve you "room service" at 3 am.,with white linens in the dining room of the villa. indoor pool in the villa,,,,and on and on,,.and on
But ,being an INclusive person, I was able to see from the inside out what it was like to be an EXclusive person(this is a choice ,btw!). one of the women in my small group of 6(I had just met her),told the body guard to get rid of some girls that had entered our cordoned off area of the club-she didn't like their dancing. Another man in the group,had also asked the bodyguard to remove some girls from the area because they were too heavy! OK, Im not even going to GO THERE!! I saw these 2 in the group as the most scared, the most controlling, the most unhappy.I;m not saying they were mean people, they weren't .They were kind and generous, but not to everyone.I took it all in,including one of the most decadent moments of my life.This is when my girlfriend and I had to pee.The 6'4"260 lb bodyguard escorted us,HOLDING our HANDS,to the restroom through the crowded club,clearing a space for us.He then proceeded to open the toilet door, walk in, FLUSH the toilet,take a paper towel and WIPE OFF THE SEAT for us.!!
2 things Im left pondering(among lots of other things)
#1.does living like this make you happier?
(NO, obviously!)
But, people think it does.
And,#2.I realized, there are people who LIVE their lives like this everyday(not just my one day), not many, but some, pop,movie, and rock stars,for sure.Everyday- hounded,everyday- stressed out,everyday having your ass kissed,your butt (metaphorically) wiped.
I thought of Michael Jackson, the tormented man,who died young.He lived like that,
Was it worth it?

hopeless in the desert

I was hiking in the mountains above the desert yesterday evening. Its spectacular up the 74 hwy,and 18 degrees cooler than the floor. As I was walking, I had a continuous stream of thoughts in my head, you know, the voice talking up there... all at once, I grew tired of the voice and my attention turned to the question of "why" was I hiking? to commune with nature?To be out of the desperate heat down below? To get a work out? all of these?In that moment ,I sensed a shift...I stopped,and was overcome with an emotion.There was uncertainty and I couldnt define it ,it melted into me and I went deeper into the feeling.It was painful,..I knew it..after a thorough search of my emotions data bank, I determined it ... hopelessness.I felt overcome with a hopeless feeling that no matter how much "work" I did,meditation, study, reading, yoga, breath work,...I could never break free of the voice, the habitual,incessant chatter of my thoughts....I was frozen,with no impulse driving me forward to take the next step."the next step to where?" I asked myself.I peered around the impending corner and saw ahead that the upcoming bend in the trail offered the same view,the same foliage, the same nature as where I was standing.In this new moment, I realized ,brightly, that where I was headed on the trail was NO different from where I was.To me, this seemed profound. No moment up ahead was better than the moment I was in! THIS MOMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE!
I paused in the enormity of the realization,smiling,"I could stop,I could just stop walking"...and I did. I turned around, facing the trail I had just walked past but seeing it as if for the first time.The scrubby brush was head high with the evening sunset blazing, brilliantly- orange fire, like a copper wash. The brush was red branches, copper dipped in emerald green.And every bush was alive! alive with the dazzling light of the sun, setting behind the far off mountains .I imagined it was a sea full of people,sitting on blankets,like at Coachella,watching a concert. ..and I was weaving in and out of them, respectfully threading my way back through them. I paused when I passed a large pinon pine tree,..the smooth ,flowing wind was blowing through its needles making a sound, that with reflection, became the waves crashing on a, not too distant, beach.The waves/wind ceaselessly caressing the pine tree needles ,slicing them apart, massaging their underbellies with a cool,fragrant, breeze. In this moment and each one that followed ,there was NO VOICE! I had to feel hopeless to be free from the thoughts.
I was reminded that the most delicious gardens grow from wasted decay and garbage.That the seed springs forth from the fertile soil of dung.That to recognize hope,freedom, and presence,we must go through darkness, for without the darkness ,there can be no appreciation of the light.
love, light, darkness, and hopelessness, all are welcome.

Blah,Blah,Blog

thats what my hubbie calls it.
Ok, the cleanse continues!Day 7.
the initial euphoria has dimmed some what ,perhaps because Im getting used to this heightened awareness. Yes, Im clearer and energetic,with 5 pounds down.
5 pounds?-This is the truly amazing part.
For a year,I have been very very very slowly gaining a little weight, maybe 3 pounds.I have a muffin top for the first time,... And my clothes have been feeling tighter around the rib area.I think to myself,"if I was 5 pounds less,they wouldnt feel tight".
But,I told me,"I'm perfect the way I am, Im older now and need more weight on my body".
My butt looks great when Im a little bigger.BUT! I love my clothes and dont want to get new ones, these took me years to find, they are vintage,funky, fabulously reincarnated, and some are handmade for me. Its not like Im going down to Macys or ann taylor to procure off the rack. No, this has taken years of hunting, bargaining, rummaging, discovering treasures, to collect,so.... ,I wasn't about to consider the possibility that I couldn't wear them!
but,that aside...I mean,after all ,weight loss was a SIDE effect,...remember, I told myself that.
The real reason I did it was to see if I could DO it,to see if I was disciplined enough..Well, yes,I am,, even with a major headache set back at the start of it. Yes, I could, and I can. And that alone feels good, in addition to weight loss, and redirection of energies.
So, today, I felt hungry for the first time, ...not cravings,I dont think, but,hungry.
Sunday night is the last day of my fast.I have a special sacred ceremony planned with other fasting folks of light minded ilk, light workers and healers of the soul.We are amassing at the Lightning in a Bottle festival.
What should I eat? I havent thought about that?

Day 5 of my first fast EVER!
Hard to believe that I have never thought to do this....hhmmmm,did I believe I was not ready or didn't need too?
This is a lesson folks. everyone needs to bE WITHOUT food to understand your relationship with it and how our lives revolve around it.
Why? some might ask? Just shut up and eat!
Because being aware of your habits and your behaviors makes you a better person...did I write better person? yes, I did. To do anything blindly,without thoughts or intention ,is to take it for granted. In any relationship, we must maintain a vigilant awareness of the relationship so as to make it healthier, stronger, more beautiful. Cultivating and creating our foods ,relationships, and our lives. Bringing awareness to each simple act, even taking a bite of food.
Food isn't just about being hungry. No, its much more, as anyone who has a disorder(overeating or starving) will share with you. Food is comfort,stability, security, ...so now, take it away...what do you have? A whole lot of time on your hands, to do a lot more things, like dance, sing, create, sew, surf, fix stuff,...
Yes, Im liking this "no food" fast. I have my lemons,maple syrup, and my cayenne to keep me happy, and amazingly, its doing just that.I feel great! Clear!
So, take my advice, try it.
especially if you are going through a hard time in life right now, something big and stressful.The fast will help you get clarity,...it will...
Not only is it a colon cleanse, its a psyche cleanse too.
love and lemons(or should I write "lovin lemons!"?).

master cleanse day 3

Im not intending to lose weight ,but know it to be a side effect. The real purpose was to see if I COULD do it at all. I wanted to test my discipline that had gotten weaker as of late.Lazy.I like the sloth but dont want to become one.
This cleanse is about cleaning out your mind,body, and psyche, and after only 2 days,(this is day 3) seems to be doing just that.Im not sure if the effect is psychological ,or how it works on us, but it has something to do with our ATTACHMENT to food. Im NOT hungry,amazingly, at all! But, we attach a lot of interaction around food gathering, activity, preparation, emotion, "did you like it" you ask your kids. your hubs feels appreciative that you cooked for him(hopefully)or disappointed if you didnt. ,so there is a lot of FEELINGS associated with it.
I would definitely wean caffeine before trying to go without it. I usually had 1-2 cups a day before.so it wasnt bad except for the almost- migraine headache from hell.
Caffiene is one of the "toxins"(not my word!) that is cleansed from the body. I admit to having a little veg soup broth in the evening when I had the headache with an additional NONO,advil, but I had no recourse.
I feel better than I have for months and wonder why? I got things done yesterday that had been sitting on my list for weeks and today should get more done.The pesky chores that HAVE to be done (applications, jury duty, fundraiser material, getting the lights fixed, fixing the bike, washing the giant rug,etc...).
They say it is easier if you do it with someone and if you dont have to cook for others,which I do.I have lost 3 pounds,that I had slowly gained over the last year. Not a bad thing in this culture.
Try it if you want to enhance your energy and clarity, it works
ENTHUSIASTIC love!

master cleanse-my personal saga

So, here I am,day #2 of this lemonade feast! Yesterday was awful.It started out ok, but ended up with a 19 out of 10 pain on a scale of 10 being the worse. my head began to hurt and slowly built up to a crescendo while driving my kid to the movies.I was incapacitated and couldn't speak. I barely made it home, praying and crying for it to be gone. My hubs insisted that I eat soup broth.I did ,with 2 advil and an ice pack. 30 minutes later,it subsided. Now, in the first place, Im doing this for spiritual advancement and discipline.Weight loss is secondary,Well, thats what Im telling myself anyway. Regardless of the motivation,I have now begun to completely rethink or THINK of my relationship with food,I've known food a long time and have taken it for granted . Never realizing how psychologically attached I was to the stuff. So many aspects of food that I never think about. Well, thats changed!I am now not only thinking about food ,but about how it affects me.
And as far as being an UNHEALTHY thing to do.SMoking, drinking,overeating, and sex with strangers is a hell of a lot worse than lemons,maple syrup, and cayenne.
Im going to try to keep this up for awhile..Day 2 has been interesting.I started the second part of the cleanse,which is the salt water flush.You add 1 teaspoon of salt to a warm glass of water and drink it.Within 10 minutes, you had better make a move to the potty cause you are gonna be pooping!I actually liked the taste of the salt,I pretended like it was chicken soup and it really did taste good.I've lost 3.5 pounds.When I look at myself,I look the same.I asked my friend,Nesa,who had done this cleanse many times before, where was the the weight lost from? She answered"grief". HA!
I felt light headed all day but with amazing bursts of energy. I got a lot of lingering tasks done today that had been festering for weeks. And, things that bother me normally, like nagging thoughts about my kids or my husband seemed to dissipate as quickly as the thoughts arose,...I like that .
I'll keep you updated in case you are considering doing this.It is quite an experiment in getting to know yourself better and I respect everyone who has done it. It feels purifying, empowering, and go figure, CLEANSING!

Sex,I mean,Saks ,therapy...not needed

I was at Saks Fifth Ave the other day with my hubs and daughter who were doing a photo shoot for the upcoming Fathers Day issue of Palm Springs Life Magazine.Brian was modeling, Mikaela was the photographer. I was watching the shoot from the shoe dept... When I began to notice the patrons of the shoe dept and their interactions with the sales folk. I watched as an older ,well dressed woman in her 60's strategized with the sales person. The fact that they both knew each other on a first name basis was my first clue ...The salesman explained to the second saleswoman"Ms Jenkins would like to put 500$ on her card on file and the rest on this personal card". Ms Jenkins apparently hoping to manipulate the cards so that whoever was in charge of paying them didn't see how much she was spending in the shoe dept. that day. They all smiled smugly,all -knowing. I realized that this was her therapy. Her "Saks Therapy".Her smile was clever and complicated, like a gambler who just won a slot machine.
I continued to observe this scene play out again and again, as I sat waiting for the photo shoot to end. These women were getting their 'fix', their 'hit' of momentary "happiness". ..I had to wonder, was I like that ,not so long ago? Before I had my spiritual awakening? Seeking meaning and fulfillment in shopping?
I've come a long way down this beautiful path.......no saks therapy needed.

bliss is attainable

having attained a blissful state( Im not always there,but I have reached it),it is my personal experience to KNOW bliss. Bliss is definitely NOT an emotional state controlled by thoughts and feelings..it is a state of complete absence of thinking ,dissolution of sensory input,and hyper-acuity.......I have no desire to explain it or how to attain it. I know it.If you wish to experience it,you will have to want it, study, seek, explore, and believe in your perfection.
By maintaining an emotional state of anger,disappointment or frustration because others have not lived up to your expectations is the fertile ground where the seeds of unconditional love ,awareness, and KNOWLEDGE are planted. Remember, poop makes the best soil.
but, hoping to change the world with love and happiness by exacting contempt/anger/unhappiness on humanity is like using a condom when you want to have a baby.
walking a spiritual, enlightened path means discipline. Reading about bliss and experiencing or
living bliss are as different as watching football in your living room or being the quarterback in the super bowl.
Know this,happiness is attainable, bliss is available.Start by loving your self.

New York is the best INTERACTIVE performance piece of all!

We had an amazing trip to New York, we realized that the entire city is a performance piece , a stage, and everyone participates.every character is represented, the rich,club owning playboy who desires true happiness, the beautiful woman with the better than you attitude, the ancient jewish grandmother who breathes New york like life blood, the crazy guy with the big talk, the con man, the russia wife, the silly japanese girl, the elegant maven, the socialite denizen, the tortured artist, the homeless intellectual, the wall street shark,the excited collegiate,the jester, the clown, the cowboy, the mother, the cabbie from poland that bought his home ,the curious, the chess playing boy, the loud mouth fast talking hustler, the quiet watcher,the black clad cigarette smoking cachetic model with the pale skin and sunken cheek bones ,the brooklyn girls in high stilletto heels stumbling drunk down the cobbled stoned streets of chelsea looking for a husband with a job,...everyone actively playing the part wonderfully-which makes it the largest scale performance piece of all, and when I come , I get to be IN it!.. the lady-doctor,who performs in Rock operas,present in the midst of seeming chaos, with rainbow dreads from california that meditates in the middle of the street! my handsome, smoking hot neurosurgeon husband. wow, what a host of charcters.

see u again...on to coachella
love and fired up
dr d

changing habits-surrender vs desire and resistance

at the start of yoga today,we made an intention.Mine was to change old behavioral patterns/habits. By the end of class right as we began corpse pose, Carol told the class to surrender.In my mind ,I pictured Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz". and the black smoke in the sky"SURRENDER DOROTHY" and realized that the movie was a metaphor for the life of illusion we live. As I surrendered into the pose, I knew that I was also surrendering my desperate desire to CHANGE my reactive behaviors, and the anger I felt towards the people that I was directing my reactive behavior to. As soon as I surrendered , I realized that my behavior, my feelings of anger , my feelings of frustration , and my disappointment with myself at being unable to change had dissolved. Just by the power of surrender, I had ceased to resist or fight the behavior and it was changed, In my surrender, I became aware of the "stuckness" of my resistance.Even though I wanted to change ,I was so needy and desirous of change that it actually was keeping me IN the behavior patterns,.That the patterns of behavior were intertwined with my inability to change it.It frustrated me and I couldnt change it, As soon as I relaxed into surrender of what IS , I was able to see...becoming aware,overcoming frustration and changing my desire. WOW.

To SHAVE or not to shave?

Personally, I feel that the whole TREND of totally shaving one's pubic region is akin to desiring to be soooooo young,in this agist culture ,obsessed with youth,that we actually want to be children again.. It gets very close.
There's no hygenic reason...does it look "better"? I understand a bikini wax, a trim ...but naked down below,yikes! ,,,,realistically, it looks like a pre-pubescent girl...labia exposed...nothing to prevent friction or a rash(yes, there is actually a REASON why you get it!)...similar to geishas having their feet bound to look like little girls... ..., fetish becomes mainsteam stuff. But, thats just my opinion....
When I ask women "why" they do it, they say"it looks better"( it looks like a child) ,"its cleaner"( not so, and really, how dirty ARE you?),or "my guy likes it" ( guys like whatever they can get).
Cultural pressure to look like everyone else.?or designed to look like a very young girl?
And then, at what point do you stop shaving?
Childbirth? menopause? when you're 80? I mean there is a turn around point where you actually want more hair!
There is NO pubic hair on a old woman.
If I had a guy that insisted on it, I would drop him.
I want my man to want a woman to look like a woman,not a child.
I can only say what makes ME uncomfortable..
I AM discouraged at glorifying shaven pubic areas in woman trying to look like girls.
Strong empowered women do not need to look like little girls.The Goddess is perfectly coifed, as is.
And true Gods appreciate the well kept,neatly trimmed, but biologically active WOMAN.
This is just one more subservient process that we go through to change our bodies.

I went to a wellness expo in Rancho Mirage this past weekend.They were selling a service that "removes and improves cellulite".
Did you know that the word cellulite was INVENTED? It was invented in the 60,s to sell a product that got rid of it, because only if you have something can you get rid of it! And ,girl, they made sure as hell that you want to get rid of the "nasty demon,cellulite!"
I remember as a thin,healthy, young woman struggling for years to rid myself of something that I am SUPPOSED to have!
that something is estrogen.
I have estrogen .
So What is the function of estrogen in the body?
To promote secondary sexual characteristics in women(and men too if you are a man that wants to be a woman).
So what are these characteristics that make us female?
Well, one of them, a very important one,is FAT DEPOSITION,aka,cellulite.
we gain fat stores when we go through puberty so that we can prepare our bodies for baby making.
How ironic is it that breast fat is "good"(large breasts)yet,thigh fat is bad(cellulite)?
In other words, there is no cellulite.It is a made up concept that makes women want to go out and buy stuff to be more "beautiful".
Stay healthy, work out every day ( yes, the newest studies show that we need to work out 1 hour every day),eat less meat, eat more fresh food without packaging,visit the farmers market on wed.morning, and re-train your mind to KNOW that cellulite is a MYTH perpetrated on us by marketing

Art that is OFFENSIVE and The shaving of the pubic area.

what constitutes"offensive"?
I write a blog in the Desert Sun newspaper in my local town.
Sometimes I post the same blog as this one.
Yesterday, I copied this blog regarding "jeans suck" and pasted it in the newspaper blog.
WHOOPS! The photo attached was one taken this past weekend at an art gallery. I had been asked to pose with my middle finger out in front of a Peter Guntz Photo of a naked woman holding up her middle finger,giving the "fuck you" sign.
It was Art within art.I thought it fit the "jeans suck". title.
I didnt really notice that she had a shaved pubic area in the photo. So what?
Its art,its his idea of art. I didnt really like the shaved look but it isnt MY art.
Ok, beyond the question of "what is art?" is the question of "what is offensive?.
many people were offended by the photo in the news blog.
Personally, I feel that the whole TREND of totally shaving one's pubic region is akin to pedophilia. It gets very close.
There's no hygenic reason...does it look "better"? I understand a bikini wax, a trim ...but naked down below,yikes! ,,,,realistically, it looks like a pre-pubescent girl...similar to geishas having their feet bound to look like little girls... ..., fetish becomes mainsteam stuff. But, thats just my opinion....So, what if the girl in the photo was 14?..or 16? would that be offensive? help me out here...when does art cross into tasteless cross into porno cross into pedohilia?
I can only say what makes ME uncomfortable and what makes ME sick.
I was not bothered by the photos at all.I AM discouraged at glorifying shaven pubic areas in woman trying to look like girls.
Strong empowered women do not need to look like little girls.The Goddess is perfectly coifed, as is.
And true Gods appreciate the well kept,neatly trimmed, but biologically active woman.