Whilst out and about in my hometown at the 'fancy' shopping area a while back, I ran into a woman I had met many years ago.We weren't friends, but knew one another socially, we both had kids that had gone to the same schools.
Both of our lives had undergone massive transformations in our respective worlds.
Two diversely different stories., ...and either of us could have gone the same as the other.
She had finally caught her rich, older, businessman husband of twenty five years, cheating on her with his long time mistress.
Rumors had abounded for years, and it seemed everyone in town knew about it, except her. Even I had heard about it and had assumed she knew and was fine with the situation.
Apparently not.
She divorced him over the affair, and I heard he settled with twenty million and a beach house,.
She moved to the beach and set up a new life as a fifty year old, single, rich divorcee.
I'd heard that she had taken on a young tennis instructor boyfriend and that her ex-husband had remarried a woman twenty five years his junior, and it wasn't the long term mistress, ...so much drama,.. and a typical cliched story.
I had been through the experience of Burning Man, divine epiphany, full body orgasm in the fire, kundalini awakening, deep self exploration, and radical transformation, ...l had undergone drama too, yet, it had served to draw my husband and I closer.
We acknowledged one another upon passing and I said "it's Tory, right?" (name changed)
"Yes,..and Deborah?'"she queried.
"Well, yes, ...technically,... but everyone calls me 'DrDeb' now", making a point of explaining my moniker.
"I'm a doctor TOO," she hastily replied, and totally unbeknownst to me that she was a 'doctor', ...a PHD of some sort, maybe?
"So, I guess that makes ME ''Dr Tory'!"she responded aggressively.
"Soooo..I'M going to call you Deborah", she stated flatly, boring her eyes into me, challenging me, as if to say, "who do you think you are, telling ME to call YOU, DOCTOR?".
I was instantly gripped by an old, dirty feeling from before my transformation, a childhood sensation, a sick, twisting pain in my solar plexus.
"I wasn't good enough, ..I'm too filled with myself,.. I'm a phony, living a lie",...old pain coursing through my psyche, as my ego rattled off these admonishments belittling myself.
Even with all her millions and the beach house, did I feel superior to her? And had I sounded that way?
I reacted, perhaps a bit too quickly explaining that ''DrDeb'' was my nickname, and that it had been bestowed upon me as an endearment, making an excuse perhaps.
"But, I suppose you didn't know about that ...", I muttered weakly, my voice trailing off... the old, sick feeling expanding.
She couldn't get away from me fast enough, perhaps it was MY expanding outward, sick energy pushing her away, ...perhaps there was a smugness I exuded... and she hastily threw out an excuse about having to run 'meet someone', or 'do something', or 'be somewhere', the excuse was uniform, practiced, rehearsed,... you know it, ...we have all heard it, or said it,...something along the lines of "we can speak later, when I have more time" ...
I knew the lie.
There would be no 'more time' between us.
"Never complain, never explain"...and here I was, explaining, reflecting my image back at me,...
With the twisted sickness stirring around in my gut, my first, literally GUT reaction, was never wanting to encounter her again.
Maybe it was the smug, "I'm so spiritual"ME that I didn't want to encounter again?
Was I experiencing a reflection of my own Self?
Had I really come so far on the path of spirit?
With all her physical material possessions, was I equally encumbered by my own spiritual materialism?
Both of our energies were so strong. that it extended beyond our physical forms, radiating outwards into one another, taking on a life on its own.
It, was quick, powerful, and reminded of me of what I must have looked liked,
where I had been, where I had come, and where I NEVER wanted to return.
I didn't want to be making excuses or explaining to anyone who I was or where I'd been....nor did I ever want to fall out of Grace, exuding impervious superiority.
With all her money, she exuded neither love, openness, contentment, or happiness, she seemed wrapped in ego.
Or was it me I was looking at?... was I any less complicit? Less egoic?
Despite all my spiritual work, was I any different?
Where was MY compassion towards her?
Each encounter is a lesson, a reminder....
Next time I see her, I'm reminded to be compassionate.
She taught me that, by showing me myself.
The greater the light shines, the greater the shadow cast.
P.S. I ran into Tory recently at a restaurant, and the exchange was markedly different and pleasant. She seemed genuinely delighted to see me,.. so, I had to wonder again, had the negativity I felt from her all those months ago have been my own reflection,?
I'm left to reflect, wonder, and learn.
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