I am always questioning myself.Not about trivial pursuits like what should I wear or what to make for dinner, but about the big stuff in life. Why was I ever mean to my kids when I was raising them? Why did I say dumb things to people ? Sometimes ,I'll find something that I wrote 2 years ago.I have a habit of writing inside the book covers of my special "self-help" books.When I re- read the advice I would have given to a mom whose daughter was acting out, I was appalled. It sounded like I was coming from some great and high throne,King Solomon-like, and was detached from the event.As I reread it, it sounded so egoic to me.It caused me to cringe. I am so glad I never spoke with the woman, she would still think I was a bitch. But,at the time ,it seemed coherent and wise. In 2 years,I've grown . Hopefully, by reviewing what we say and think over time, we can look at ourselves,in retrospect and laugh instead of of gritting our teeth,and cringing, like I did ,when I reread the dribble. I guess this is where the important aspect of forgiveness comes into play. we need to be able, not only to forgive our current selves but the self we were in the past. Thats why its important to write stuff down, so we can go back, see where we were and see where we've come.Like a road map...
When we only document our lives through photographs, we realize that the photos are posed,non candid, almost fake...smiling faces shining outwards, projecting to the world ...but words, they tell the truer story.
I like the thought process on this subject. One does become more aware of who they were or still are by their past words, and perhaps pictures. I actually threw out some of my early writings because they didn't speak to me anymore.
ReplyDeleteI just brought some pictures and cards to a woman in a nursing home. I thought she would like to see and remember who she was in the past. She can't speak but with her facial expressions you could tell she was reliving the feelings and moments of those pictures . I wondered if she regretted anything.