jealousy as a learning tool

 I used to be jealous, but over the past few years, I have worked to understand where that feeling comes from, the source of the ugly monster. I have done this by going deeper into the emotions of jealousy,  rolling around in the gripping, sick feeling that I feel in my solar plexus/abdomen ( you may feel it somewhere else)...I found, for me, it came from a place of abandonment, loneliness, fear of loss, separation,and just plain ole fear.   Nowadays, Im trying to live fearlessly... , this 'diving deeper' into the jealousy pool-the dark, sorrowful place where I began to overcome my fear, has been a conduit for dissolving the jealousy. Literally,imaging the particles of it falling away from me.
Jealousy can get even worse as you age and every younger woman (or man if you are of a different ilk or gender), seems a threat, whether they are beautiful or not!...when I was younger, and totally HOT, I could tell myself that "Im more beautiful than her" and believe it (ahhh,the lies we tell ourselves are the hardest ones to stop telling), but, really, its ALL an illusion,.. beauty,wealth,power, influence,... what's real? What's real is what you are left with when this life is done.Truth and Love! (can i get a witness? hallelujah!-coming at ya from the church of deb)... truth =beauty = power, and all three are truly within you,...
  I now see the real beauty in everyone...I reflect your beauty back to you, Im just a mirror,polished and reflective. My energy is your energy. When you look at me, you are seeing your own shining light...and you are so beautiful.
 I'll  keep polishing my mirror, you are responsible for your own.
 The brighter your mirror,the more love is returned to you.
If everyone is ONE, then how can we be jealous of our self?
 
ps, thats my son,Marley!

YIKES! Handling Negative Energy With Love!

 Whilst out and about in my hometown at the 'fancy' shopping area a while back, I ran into a woman I had met many years ago.

 We weren't friends, but knew one another socially, we both had kids that had gone to the same schools.

 Both of our lives had undergone massive transformations in our respective worlds.

Two diversely different stories., ...and either of us could have gone the same as the other.

She had finally caught her rich, older, businessman husband of twenty five years, cheating on her with his long time mistress.

Rumors had abounded for years, and it seemed everyone in town knew about it, except her. Even I had heard about it and had assumed she knew and was fine with the situation.

Apparently not.

She divorced him over the affair, and I heard he settled with twenty million and a beach house,.

 She moved to the beach and set up a new life as a fifty year old, single, rich divorcee.

I'd heard that she had taken on a young tennis instructor boyfriend and that her ex-husband had remarried a woman twenty five years his junior, and it wasn't the long term mistress, ...so much drama,.. and a typical cliched story.

 I had been through the experience of Burning Man, divine epiphany, full body orgasm in the fire, kundalini awakening, deep self exploration, and radical transformation, ...l had undergone drama too, yet, it had served to draw my husband and I closer.

 
We acknowledged one another upon passing and I said "it's Tory, right?" (name changed)

"Yes,..and Deborah?'"she queried.

"Well, yes, ...technically,... but everyone calls me 'DrDeb' now", making a point of explaining my moniker.

"I'm a doctor TOO," she hastily replied, and totally unbeknownst to me that she was a 'doctor', ...a PHD of some sort, maybe?

"So, I guess that makes ME ''Dr Tory'!"she responded aggressively.

"Soooo..I'M going to call you Deborah", she stated flatly, boring her eyes into me, challenging me, as if to say, "who do you think you are, telling ME to call YOU, DOCTOR?".

 I was instantly gripped by an old, dirty feeling from before my transformation,  a childhood sensation, a sick, twisting pain in my solar plexus.

"I wasn't good enough, ..I'm too filled with myself,.. I'm a phony, living a lie",...old pain coursing through my psyche, as my ego rattled off these admonishments belittling myself.

Even with all her millions and the beach house, did I feel superior to her? And had I sounded that way?

I reacted, perhaps a bit too quickly explaining that ''DrDeb'' was my nickname, and that it had been bestowed upon me as an endearment, making an excuse perhaps.

"But, I suppose you didn't know about that ...", I muttered weakly, my voice trailing off... the old, sick feeling expanding.

 She couldn't get away from me fast enough, perhaps it was MY expanding outward, sick energy pushing her away, ...perhaps there was a smugness I exuded...  and she hastily threw out an excuse about having to run 'meet someone',  or 'do something', or 'be somewhere', the excuse was uniform, practiced, rehearsed,... you know it, ...we have all heard it, or said it,...something along the lines of "we can speak later, when I have more time" ...

I knew the lie.

There would be no 'more time' between us.


"Never complain, never explain"...and here I was, explaining, reflecting my image back at me,...

With the twisted sickness stirring around in my gut, my first, literally GUT reaction, was never wanting to encounter her again.
Maybe it was the smug, "I'm so spiritual"ME that I didn't want to encounter again?

Was I experiencing a reflection of my own Self?

Had I really come so far on the path of spirit?
With all her physical material possessions, was I equally encumbered by my own spiritual materialism?

 Both of our energies were so strong. that it extended beyond our physical forms, radiating outwards into one another, taking on a life on its own.

It, was quick, powerful, and reminded of me of what I  must have looked liked,
where I had been, where I had come, and where I NEVER wanted to return.

I didn't want to be making excuses or explaining to anyone who I was or where I'd been....nor did I ever want to fall out of Grace, exuding impervious superiority.

With all her money, she exuded neither love, openness, contentment, or happiness,  she seemed wrapped in ego.

Or was it me I was looking at?... was I any less complicit? Less egoic?

Despite all my spiritual work, was I any different?

Where was MY compassion towards her?

 Each encounter is a lesson, a reminder....

Next time I see her, I'm reminded to be compassionate.

She taught me that, by showing me myself.

The greater the light shines, the greater the shadow cast.

P.S. I ran into Tory recently at a restaurant, and the exchange was markedly different and pleasant. She seemed genuinely delighted to see me,.. so, I had to wonder again, had the negativity I felt from her all those months ago have been my own reflection,?
I'm left to reflect, wonder, and learn.

Friday night at the Bar (or putting the phrase"love everybody" to the test

I was at the Tack Room Tavern,a "polo-crowd" bar at the polo fields with Big B last friday night. I had a bladder infection 2 days before and Big B doesnt drink, so we sat with a plate of food at the bar. We were sitting ,laughing and talking ,when this tall,pale,bleached blonde, thickly made up, woman, in her late forties descended behind us, to "chat".
Her first question to me was "why are dressed like that?" to which I responded, "like what?"
"you really can't wear that, you know...it doesn't look good." she boldly stated, with much certainty.She then continued in a rapid fire manner,"You are so old!How old are you?you are as old as this guy."pointing to the guy in the stool next to me( Paul,a craggy gray haired guy in his sixties sitting next to me, was also listening in to her rant, and felt quite pleased to be included , even if to be used as an example of how "old" I was.).Leaning into Brian's face,she slurred,"you must be 30 years younger than her!Is she a trust fund baby? She 's a trust fund baby. Hang onto her and ride the wave til its gone!" she advised Big B.
She turned back to me,"So, how old ARE you?"
I replied,"I think I'm about the same age as YOU."
"Oh God, Im not as old as you."-she said.
"I think you're very drunk" I stonily said,staring into her unfocused eyes.
"NO, Im not drunk at all", reaching for her wine.
Paul and I looked at one another and shook our heads, "sad", "yes. sad".
I'd never been affronted like that before, it was oddly fun.
My thoughts and feeling were as follows, she WAS sad and unhappy. She needs to NOT drink ever if she wants to have friends or be invited to social gatherings!
It was a lesson in deep acceptance and I needed to love her even more than someone easy to love.
After saying our goodbyes to Paul, Big B and I slipped away.I was left with a dirty sensation that took all of 3 minutes to shrug off.

Fear and Loving in Las Vegas

I was a guest in an opulent palace and an opulent experience yesterday,it was called the "Mansion".Its a very secret(private) exclusive part of the MGM Grand hotel In Vegas.
ONLY high rollers(I'm guessing minimum of 125,000.00$,thats just a guess) can stay there. It is the nexus of exclusive and decadence. It was fun but more than that ,it was seductive.Not for me, but I imagine that many folks would lust after this type of situation. Picked up in a private jet,premier seats at the gaga concert,the most expensive champagne, best table at the best club, roped off with a personal bodyguard,everything in the 5000 ft villa computerized, fresh flowers, private waiters that serve you "room service" at 3 am.,with white linens in the dining room of the villa. indoor pool in the villa,,,,and on and on,,.and on
But ,being an INclusive person, I was able to see from the inside out what it was like to be an EXclusive person(this is a choice ,btw!). one of the women in my small group of 6(I had just met her),told the body guard to get rid of some girls that had entered our cordoned off area of the club-she didn't like their dancing. Another man in the group,had also asked the bodyguard to remove some girls from the area because they were too heavy! OK, Im not even going to GO THERE!! I saw these 2 in the group as the most scared, the most controlling, the most unhappy.I;m not saying they were mean people, they weren't .They were kind and generous, but not to everyone.I took it all in,including one of the most decadent moments of my life.This is when my girlfriend and I had to pee.The 6'4"260 lb bodyguard escorted us,HOLDING our HANDS,to the restroom through the crowded club,clearing a space for us.He then proceeded to open the toilet door, walk in, FLUSH the toilet,take a paper towel and WIPE OFF THE SEAT for us.!!
2 things Im left pondering(among lots of other things)
#1.does living like this make you happier?
(NO, obviously!)
But, people think it does.
And,#2.I realized, there are people who LIVE their lives like this everyday(not just my one day), not many, but some, pop,movie, and rock stars,for sure.Everyday- hounded,everyday- stressed out,everyday having your ass kissed,your butt (metaphorically) wiped.
I thought of Michael Jackson, the tormented man,who died young.He lived like that,
Was it worth it?

hopeless in the desert

I was hiking in the mountains above the desert yesterday evening. Its spectacular up the 74 hwy,and 18 degrees cooler than the floor. As I was walking, I had a continuous stream of thoughts in my head, you know, the voice talking up there... all at once, I grew tired of the voice and my attention turned to the question of "why" was I hiking? to commune with nature?To be out of the desperate heat down below? To get a work out? all of these?In that moment ,I sensed a shift...I stopped,and was overcome with an emotion.There was uncertainty and I couldnt define it ,it melted into me and I went deeper into the feeling.It was painful,..I knew it..after a thorough search of my emotions data bank, I determined it ... hopelessness.I felt overcome with a hopeless feeling that no matter how much "work" I did,meditation, study, reading, yoga, breath work,...I could never break free of the voice, the habitual,incessant chatter of my thoughts....I was frozen,with no impulse driving me forward to take the next step."the next step to where?" I asked myself.I peered around the impending corner and saw ahead that the upcoming bend in the trail offered the same view,the same foliage, the same nature as where I was standing.In this new moment, I realized ,brightly, that where I was headed on the trail was NO different from where I was.To me, this seemed profound. No moment up ahead was better than the moment I was in! THIS MOMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE!
I paused in the enormity of the realization,smiling,"I could stop,I could just stop walking"...and I did. I turned around, facing the trail I had just walked past but seeing it as if for the first time.The scrubby brush was head high with the evening sunset blazing, brilliantly- orange fire, like a copper wash. The brush was red branches, copper dipped in emerald green.And every bush was alive! alive with the dazzling light of the sun, setting behind the far off mountains .I imagined it was a sea full of people,sitting on blankets,like at Coachella,watching a concert. ..and I was weaving in and out of them, respectfully threading my way back through them. I paused when I passed a large pinon pine tree,..the smooth ,flowing wind was blowing through its needles making a sound, that with reflection, became the waves crashing on a, not too distant, beach.The waves/wind ceaselessly caressing the pine tree needles ,slicing them apart, massaging their underbellies with a cool,fragrant, breeze. In this moment and each one that followed ,there was NO VOICE! I had to feel hopeless to be free from the thoughts.
I was reminded that the most delicious gardens grow from wasted decay and garbage.That the seed springs forth from the fertile soil of dung.That to recognize hope,freedom, and presence,we must go through darkness, for without the darkness ,there can be no appreciation of the light.
love, light, darkness, and hopelessness, all are welcome.

Blah,Blah,Blog

thats what my hubbie calls it.
Ok, the cleanse continues!Day 7.
the initial euphoria has dimmed some what ,perhaps because Im getting used to this heightened awareness. Yes, Im clearer and energetic,with 5 pounds down.
5 pounds?-This is the truly amazing part.
For a year,I have been very very very slowly gaining a little weight, maybe 3 pounds.I have a muffin top for the first time,... And my clothes have been feeling tighter around the rib area.I think to myself,"if I was 5 pounds less,they wouldnt feel tight".
But,I told me,"I'm perfect the way I am, Im older now and need more weight on my body".
My butt looks great when Im a little bigger.BUT! I love my clothes and dont want to get new ones, these took me years to find, they are vintage,funky, fabulously reincarnated, and some are handmade for me. Its not like Im going down to Macys or ann taylor to procure off the rack. No, this has taken years of hunting, bargaining, rummaging, discovering treasures, to collect,so.... ,I wasn't about to consider the possibility that I couldn't wear them!
but,that aside...I mean,after all ,weight loss was a SIDE effect,...remember, I told myself that.
The real reason I did it was to see if I could DO it,to see if I was disciplined enough..Well, yes,I am,, even with a major headache set back at the start of it. Yes, I could, and I can. And that alone feels good, in addition to weight loss, and redirection of energies.
So, today, I felt hungry for the first time, ...not cravings,I dont think, but,hungry.
Sunday night is the last day of my fast.I have a special sacred ceremony planned with other fasting folks of light minded ilk, light workers and healers of the soul.We are amassing at the Lightning in a Bottle festival.
What should I eat? I havent thought about that?