3 Essential and Powerful Tools to Not Giving a Fuck.

Pondering Self.

  

It makes me smile to know that, as far as others judging me, I don't give a fuck. 

 This doesn't exclude 'caring' about them, or wanting to know their 'opinion', ...it simply means that I have such massive and hard earned Self-esteem, that I literally don't give a hoot about your opinion of me.

  I understand that we all have opinions based on our culture, upbringing, religion, and personal insecurities about what is and isn't right, or what we should or shouldn't do, ...I understand indoctrination,....clinging to thin threads of the illusion.

Yet, I have gone rogue, rebellious even, to promote radical self acceptance. 

 I love when notable people have ceased to 'give a fuck'. its helps to empower the mainstream into being more deeply authentic.

 By a certain time in life, many people have lost their way and forgotten who they really are.

This creates massive uncertainty and anxiety.

If you want to remember who you really are, go back to your seven year old self,... that's who YOU are.
Meanwhile, one's life has changed,  hormones, surroundings (or maybe not), and the comfortable prison of rules and vague standards you and your environment have created for you.

 I can give advice on finding the path,...as one goes creeping about in the underbrush of their psyche, searching for themselves....turning to therapists, workshops, new age 'gurus', and pharm in hopes of finding the lost soul, using a blurry pair of thick glasses, instead of a razor sharp, high tech GPS navigational system, one that is gifted as we explore natural, powerful, plant-based alternatives for healing... I call them the 'find your soul" app, like your iPhone. 

 I call myself a soul guide to finding the real you, a Sherpa of lost souls.

 That jewel of the authentic soul buried down deep inside of what one may have become, an unrecognizable human, one that drinks to oblivion, has random sex, attaches to someone else who has lost their soul, watches endless TV, feels fomo, the inability to be alone, feelings of loneliness, or takes substances to numb the inability to find that lost nature,... 

 It's this confusion that causes suffering,...being lost, unsure of one's purpose, utter loneliness,  because the 'you of you' is gone.

Perhaps the 'you of you' was stolen in childhood pains, traumas, and suffering.

Perhaps, one willingly gave it away in a codependent or abusive relationship.

Abandonment, abuse, parents that were mentally ill or in a cult,... whatever IT is, it's a sad story, and most everyone has one. 

This is not to diminish one's personal sad story, just simply highlighting the collective nature of our shared suffering and consciousness. 

 I say ...seek the tools available to find the little child lost, ..rise up against the fear of change.

This 'rising up' through fear may be painful.

Yet, rising up through suffering is a great tool,.

 Like a caterpillar, suffering so badly that one is forced to break free of the cocoon into total liberation,... and fly.

Some essential tools for deepening one's relationship with self:

1-Plant based medicines, one may have heard of ayahuasca, ibogaine, toad experiences, peyote, mushrooms, and any and all of the indigenous substances used by tribes and religions around the world for centuries to alleviate suffering in a natural and sacred context. 

All done in an intentional setting.

2-Being within a community of people that support and celebrate one's authentic self, ...instead of a community that seeks to impose strict, and somewhat unspoken, cultural guidelines,.

  (I use religion as an example of a fear based method of controlling the masses- saying what we can do and who we can be...) 

 Although, it may seem scary, it's possible to break away from restraints that cease to celebrate one's

beautiful, healthy Selfness.

3 -Read and listen to the Masters, absorbing words of truth, comfort, and acceptance.

 I'm not referring to the new age texts and workshops that will attempt to corral one's money to gain 'truth and find one's true self', but the age-old Masters, or those that have studied these texts and have rewritten them in a way that modern readers and seekers may comprehend.

May you be blessed and find a bright light that illuminates your path.

much love, and fire,

dr deb 

How Do You Know If You're Wise?

 My grandson told me that anyone at any age can be wise.

I had been under the impression that experience in life coupled with 'time' was what was required to be considered wise.

 Afterall, after fifty or sixty, you've had a chance to get married, earn an education, work at a few jobs, marry, raise children, be afflicted with illness, lose people, have a broken heart, and so on,...

 On review,  I'm apt to agree with Jakey- living a long time, and experiencing life does help you in the quest for wisdom, yet, doesn't necessarily mean that you will gain it.

The inability to take all these experiences you've had, and shape them into a cohesive package of knowledge that can be utilized to make life easier can derail the wisdom self.

When we learn all this knowledge, skill, and lessons, we have to be able to arrange them into a tapestry of working principles.

These principles must be applicable to the human experience, and not just our own individual limited lives.

We must be able to form a well made picture of foundational and truth-bearing pearls that will apply not only to our lives, but the human condition as well.

 For this is where wisdom resides.

 For instance, your car is robbed, the crooks break into your car and steal your stuff .

This could lead one to be distrustful of others... people steal, they rob you, you can't trust people.

The bigger picture and the wiser one, would see this as a different lesson, with overriding umbrella and guiding principles. ..perhaps, the one that broke into your car is a drug addict, the addiction is based on this person's childhood trauma, this brings frustration, sadness at your loss, yet, coupled with compassion for the human condition, and wisdom to not keep anything of value inside the car, parking it in a safer place, etc,... the wise one learns a multitude of lessons.

The not-so-wise one learns that humans are bad, and goes deeper into a state of anger, distrust, and stress.

The wise one learns from their mistake, changes their behavior, understands that one can't change others, accepts the loss, takes action, continues to trust, and stores the info away to be used for future endeavors.

The wise one doesn't allow an individual incident to steal the trust.

The wise one then passes on these lessons to others in various forms.

The key to being wise is to be able to see life from someone  else's perspective and to apply those various perspectives to your own life.

Thanks Jakey,  you're absolutely correct, one can be wise at any age, it's simply a matter of seeing from someone else's perspective, walking in another person's shoes, and understanding that one, lone  perspective is built upon one human's experience.

The tapestry of wisdom we weave is more beautiful and strengthened by the threads of the collective stories.

So, remember, a good test of whether or not you are wise, comes from the ability to step out of your opinion, and into someone else's, seeing the situation from another set of eyes, even if it doesn't merge with your own....

That's wisdom.

What I learned from the playa this year,2011

 I'm going to attempt to express my story here...when my foot stepped off the RV, onto the cracked playa 2 weeks ago, it seemed everything was wrong with me,at least in my spouse's heart. I talked too much, I nagged , I wasn't focused, i had too much energy... Big B was exploring his own head space,somewhat overwhelmed by the art car, trailer, mechanical, RV, issues, bringing our son, our kids leaving next year, our own rite of passage, emotions, and he decided that he wouldn't talk to me,a passive -aggressive move I'm familiar with,.. I seemed to be a major, constant, irritant to him , for his own personal reasons and whatever shit he had brought with him to the playa...I wanted to get through it , work it out.
  At one point,in our first 4 days there, as we worked building the city, before the burn started,before the city "opened' for business, I decided that the burn would be a lot better if B and I could communicate, seemed like if he would talk to me,we'd have a lot more fun too.conversely, perhaps he was just going deaf, like me...maybe he was losing his hearing, , I had  just gotten hearing aids and knew that eyes, ears, strength, and flexibility seem to be lost rather quickly as your form deteriorates.
 B was going out for the first test run of the  art car , and asked Marley if he wanted to go out on the playa. "What about me?" "Am I invited too?" I asked, hurt,of course,... I mean, I didnt want to be hurt by this, but it was programmed in me ...I sat down (actually slumped) in a lawn chair,crying earnestly, and told him that the burn was gonna suck if we didnt talk right now about what was going on., that we were creating our burn together right at this moment. He said it was because I wasn't in the moment, hmmmm,..we all know that you cant blame others for passive/aggressive behavior. We had danced this old dance so many times, me being the source of his irritation, him responding by shutting down to me and opening up to everyone else, a form of punishing me for being myself,... a cruel irony I was used to(  ahhh,...awareness can be difficult in the darkness of old behavioral patterns) So, after a wee bit of me, standing strong and insistent on integrating our shared experiences, insistent  for a connection with my best buddy in life, telling him how I wanted to be loved ,not scorned, ...he softened, and we connected. Meanwhile, back In camp, I was doing some motherly/shaman/medical work for our camp, providing a small clinic to my camp mates.
Sometime, towards the middle of the Burn, the camp leaders approached me as I was headed to the burn pit to burn some compost, I saw them coming towards me, I felt that I was doing something wrong, and when they spoke, I felt, at first, as if they were going to reprimand me for SOMETHING I HAD DONE WRONG!. instead, they wanted to give me a beautiful piece of swag and then proceeded to say the most wonderful sweet things.WTF,!!! there it was AGAIN! whats wrong with me? The sick feeling that lives in my solar plexus and gut. That has set up shop there for as long as I can remember ,.....totally  activated .
Ok, so the burn began with a strong sense of everything that was wrong with me.Even moments of praise and gratitude from my camp mates were activated by the strong sense.

 As the week progressed, I felt the service of what I bring to the playa unfold and blossom. Im there to provide solace, strength, nurturing , compassion, inspiration, and comfort.I fell deeply into my work. It was fairly heavy at times interspersed with complete liberation . Yet, all week, I wanted to laugh, long and hard and break open from the heaviness. I verbalized it to my friends.By the end of the burn, at the Temple fire, I stood where I like to stand, as close as I can to the edge of the fire ,surrounded by it, and then, my motto,... I step ONE STEP closer. Next, I stay as long as I can (til i'm burning) and  then I STAY LONGER.
 Inside of me, as I was burning in the fire, I felt a vague familiar rise of kundalini stirring in my spine and my gut. I asked for tears to well up, I asked to cry,and so I did, a little..., next day, I drove home, we cleaned the RV, everything was put back in place...Oh yes, an important note( maybe not), a few  days before the temple burn ,I had written "whats wrong with me?"on the Temple wall( remember, my first moments at the burn were all about feeling that something was wrong with me, all these childhood emotions flared up in my abdomen like when I was a kid)...so, i was going to burn those feelings, I had decided that nothing was wrong with me, that Everything was RIGHT WITH ME.
 I told b about this, that I had allowed him, in those first days on the playa,to make me feel as if there was something wrong with me when actually, there wasn't anything wrong with me.and also, that I had burned this feelings in the fire.
Upon return from Black rock city, I was WIPED out! I couldn't move , I wanted to sleep, my body ached, my head seemed dull, slight dizziness, extreme fatigue...burned out literally. Within 2 days of being  back here, I actually heard myself ask out loud, "Whats wrong with me?" Fuck! I thought, I burned that! DAMMIT!,Now, it was a physical "whats wrong with me?" SHIT, i couldnt escape myself!
 So, drained and weary,we drove up to Joshua Tree to the Bhakti yoga festival. Having done this event for 3 years, I know how powerful it is, but coming on the heels of Burning Man, seemed a little excessive, yet, we wouldn't miss it and headed up there.

 We arrived in the clean-ish, still dusty, RV at JT.
Kirtan was going off, 24/7, delicious conscious foods, raw, fresh, light, love, devotion everywhere,...and SOOOO... many people who had just returned from the burn!
 Lydia, who was vending her amazing foods, had just come from cooking for 2 camps , Caraucci-with her fashion, the Other deepak-singing 35 shows at Black rock, now onstage for more,and,on and on, all these amazing people, who had hauled their shit to the playa, and then come right out to the festival to work,....for me though, It felt like a release from service. I was there to restore,breathe, and listen to the music of love.
 Saturday morning, I happened upon a folk rock singer ,named Ena Vie, singing at second stage, I loved her deep, soulful voice, reminiscent of my good friend, Shawn bisi. She had a powerful ,mature musical array .
And then, it happened, during her set. I felt the same tears that would not form as I stood close to the burning fire at the Temple,,I felt them bubbling up, boiling , churning out of me, heaving, sobbing for the longest moment, it kept flowing, something had opened up, spilling my 'whats wrong with me' all over the festival floor. And then, the magic of the universe occurred, in that moment,I was standing again in front of the fire at the TEMPLE!!this was no memory, I was there, i was burning and crying and releasing all this shit into the fire,even though I was sitting at mid morning on another desert floor at a kirtan concert.I was in both places at once. I was aware of everything, the people around me, probably wondering what was going on with me,happy for me to be feeling deeply... where was brian I wondered? It was as if I was in an empty, cavernous hall with soaring ceilings, and rooms with open doors coming from all directions,...my thoughts were coming from the open doorways,..one thought i had was a conversation with the woman I had met the day earlier who had shared her divine transformative experience with me, where she had cried for 3 hours, during a fairly typical daily routine ....was I doing this crying because of her?Had she planted the seed the day before? I was everywhere at once, and I knew it was a BIG event. And then, I realized that this GRAND event was want I had been desirous of for a while since my last BIG event. Now, that I know these crazy blissful moments are available, I have missed having them and I wanted one! This was the big event that I had desired at the Temple Burn, even though I had told myself NOT TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS, I  had lied to myself. I DID have an expectation,dammit... I wanted to feel a divine orgasm again, I wanted to feel these big, blissful moments more. And here I was ,in the middle of ONE! And, appreciating it, and thankful for it, and acknowledging all the tangential thoughts that were associated with it.It was the interlocking puzzle pieces coming together to form a  picture (note: on the playa, there was a giant interlocking puzzle that I stumbled upon and thought at the time"Hey, I THINK OF LIFE as an interlocking puzzle, I am going to stop and experience this art work.!!"

 OK, that's it, I thought I had wanted to laugh at Burning Man, I guess I really wanted to cry, and it didnt happen at the burn,it happened at the bhakti, BUT, I WAS transported BACK to the burn( OR,IT was transported to the NOW) ,I was able to combine and experience 2 instances in time,then and now, at the same time and in the same space. so, Im left wondering,with a deep question that perhaps one of you can answer, ... if I can experience the THEN (the past-standing in front of this recent Temple fire) at the same time as the now( crying in JT at a festival), and time and space have been obliterated...how can I commingle the future with the now and bring the 2 together into this moment?
 So, what did I learn, what did I experience? ...Im left wondering so many things, will I have more of these profound experiences?(yes!), ...how far can we go into profound? how big are we ? Whats available to me?....and most importantly, since all these crazy ass puzzle pieces came together, big b, the camp leaders, the woman telling her story about crying for 3 hours, Ena Vies magical music, Temple fires, ....time space.....I can state that nothing is wrong with me, and will now ask myself,when confronted with these old feelings, WHATS RIGHT WITH ME?
in love
dr deb
ps, your story from the playa? please share, make it long and include the details!

jealousy as a learning tool

 I used to be jealous, but over the past few years, I have worked to understand where that feeling comes from, the source of the ugly monster. I have done this by going deeper into the emotions of jealousy,  rolling around in the gripping, sick feeling that I feel in my solar plexus/abdomen ( you may feel it somewhere else)...I found, for me, it came from a place of abandonment, loneliness, fear of loss, separation,and just plain ole fear.   Nowadays, Im trying to live fearlessly... , this 'diving deeper' into the jealousy pool-the dark, sorrowful place where I began to overcome my fear, has been a conduit for dissolving the jealousy. Literally,imaging the particles of it falling away from me.
Jealousy can get even worse as you age and every younger woman (or man if you are of a different ilk or gender), seems a threat, whether they are beautiful or not!...when I was younger, and totally HOT, I could tell myself that "Im more beautiful than her" and believe it (ahhh,the lies we tell ourselves are the hardest ones to stop telling), but, really, its ALL an illusion,.. beauty,wealth,power, influence,... what's real? What's real is what you are left with when this life is done.Truth and Love! (can i get a witness? hallelujah!-coming at ya from the church of deb)... truth =beauty = power, and all three are truly within you,...
  I now see the real beauty in everyone...I reflect your beauty back to you, Im just a mirror,polished and reflective. My energy is your energy. When you look at me, you are seeing your own shining light...and you are so beautiful.
 I'll  keep polishing my mirror, you are responsible for your own.
 The brighter your mirror,the more love is returned to you.
If everyone is ONE, then how can we be jealous of our self?
 
ps, thats my son,Marley!

YIKES! Handling Negative Energy With Love!

 Whilst out and about in my hometown at the 'fancy' shopping area a while back, I ran into a woman I had met many years ago.

 We weren't friends, but knew one another socially, we both had kids that had gone to the same schools.

 Both of our lives had undergone massive transformations in our respective worlds.

Two diversely different stories., ...and either of us could have gone the same as the other.

She had finally caught her rich, older, businessman husband of twenty five years, cheating on her with his long time mistress.

Rumors had abounded for years, and it seemed everyone in town knew about it, except her. Even I had heard about it and had assumed she knew and was fine with the situation.

Apparently not.

She divorced him over the affair, and I heard he settled with twenty million and a beach house,.

 She moved to the beach and set up a new life as a fifty year old, single, rich divorcee.

I'd heard that she had taken on a young tennis instructor boyfriend and that her ex-husband had remarried a woman twenty five years his junior, and it wasn't the long term mistress, ...so much drama,.. and a typical cliched story.

 I had been through the experience of Burning Man, divine epiphany, full body orgasm in the fire, kundalini awakening, deep self exploration, and radical transformation, ...l had undergone drama too, yet, it had served to draw my husband and I closer.

 
We acknowledged one another upon passing and I said "it's Tory, right?" (name changed)

"Yes,..and Deborah?'"she queried.

"Well, yes, ...technically,... but everyone calls me 'DrDeb' now", making a point of explaining my moniker.

"I'm a doctor TOO," she hastily replied, and totally unbeknownst to me that she was a 'doctor', ...a PHD of some sort, maybe?

"So, I guess that makes ME ''Dr Tory'!"she responded aggressively.

"Soooo..I'M going to call you Deborah", she stated flatly, boring her eyes into me, challenging me, as if to say, "who do you think you are, telling ME to call YOU, DOCTOR?".

 I was instantly gripped by an old, dirty feeling from before my transformation,  a childhood sensation, a sick, twisting pain in my solar plexus.

"I wasn't good enough, ..I'm too filled with myself,.. I'm a phony, living a lie",...old pain coursing through my psyche, as my ego rattled off these admonishments belittling myself.

Even with all her millions and the beach house, did I feel superior to her? And had I sounded that way?

I reacted, perhaps a bit too quickly explaining that ''DrDeb'' was my nickname, and that it had been bestowed upon me as an endearment, making an excuse perhaps.

"But, I suppose you didn't know about that ...", I muttered weakly, my voice trailing off... the old, sick feeling expanding.

 She couldn't get away from me fast enough, perhaps it was MY expanding outward, sick energy pushing her away, ...perhaps there was a smugness I exuded...  and she hastily threw out an excuse about having to run 'meet someone',  or 'do something', or 'be somewhere', the excuse was uniform, practiced, rehearsed,... you know it, ...we have all heard it, or said it,...something along the lines of "we can speak later, when I have more time" ...

I knew the lie.

There would be no 'more time' between us.


"Never complain, never explain"...and here I was, explaining, reflecting my image back at me,...

With the twisted sickness stirring around in my gut, my first, literally GUT reaction, was never wanting to encounter her again.
Maybe it was the smug, "I'm so spiritual"ME that I didn't want to encounter again?

Was I experiencing a reflection of my own Self?

Had I really come so far on the path of spirit?
With all her physical material possessions, was I equally encumbered by my own spiritual materialism?

 Both of our energies were so strong. that it extended beyond our physical forms, radiating outwards into one another, taking on a life on its own.

It, was quick, powerful, and reminded of me of what I  must have looked liked,
where I had been, where I had come, and where I NEVER wanted to return.

I didn't want to be making excuses or explaining to anyone who I was or where I'd been....nor did I ever want to fall out of Grace, exuding impervious superiority.

With all her money, she exuded neither love, openness, contentment, or happiness,  she seemed wrapped in ego.

Or was it me I was looking at?... was I any less complicit? Less egoic?

Despite all my spiritual work, was I any different?

Where was MY compassion towards her?

 Each encounter is a lesson, a reminder....

Next time I see her, I'm reminded to be compassionate.

She taught me that, by showing me myself.

The greater the light shines, the greater the shadow cast.

P.S. I ran into Tory recently at a restaurant, and the exchange was markedly different and pleasant. She seemed genuinely delighted to see me,.. so, I had to wonder again, had the negativity I felt from her all those months ago have been my own reflection,?
I'm left to reflect, wonder, and learn.

Friday night at the Bar (or putting the phrase"love everybody" to the test

I was at the Tack Room Tavern,a "polo-crowd" bar at the polo fields with Big B last friday night. I had a bladder infection 2 days before and Big B doesnt drink, so we sat with a plate of food at the bar. We were sitting ,laughing and talking ,when this tall,pale,bleached blonde, thickly made up, woman, in her late forties descended behind us, to "chat".
Her first question to me was "why are dressed like that?" to which I responded, "like what?"
"you really can't wear that, you know...it doesn't look good." she boldly stated, with much certainty.She then continued in a rapid fire manner,"You are so old!How old are you?you are as old as this guy."pointing to the guy in the stool next to me( Paul,a craggy gray haired guy in his sixties sitting next to me, was also listening in to her rant, and felt quite pleased to be included , even if to be used as an example of how "old" I was.).Leaning into Brian's face,she slurred,"you must be 30 years younger than her!Is she a trust fund baby? She 's a trust fund baby. Hang onto her and ride the wave til its gone!" she advised Big B.
She turned back to me,"So, how old ARE you?"
I replied,"I think I'm about the same age as YOU."
"Oh God, Im not as old as you."-she said.
"I think you're very drunk" I stonily said,staring into her unfocused eyes.
"NO, Im not drunk at all", reaching for her wine.
Paul and I looked at one another and shook our heads, "sad", "yes. sad".
I'd never been affronted like that before, it was oddly fun.
My thoughts and feeling were as follows, she WAS sad and unhappy. She needs to NOT drink ever if she wants to have friends or be invited to social gatherings!
It was a lesson in deep acceptance and I needed to love her even more than someone easy to love.
After saying our goodbyes to Paul, Big B and I slipped away.I was left with a dirty sensation that took all of 3 minutes to shrug off.