tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post6365552035853941099..comments2018-02-04T01:30:26.788-08:00Comments on Dr Deb-A Fabulous,Radical,Life: What I learned from the playa this year,2011dr debhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10987285223507946329noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-9608156625044700822011-09-20T12:42:16.084-07:002011-09-20T12:42:16.084-07:00Wow... two powerful posts here, I think... One fro...Wow... two powerful posts here, I think... One from Dr Deb and the comment from Green Monkey.<br /><br />I think we journey through Life looking for all kinds of answers to many many things... and if we are lucky, we figure some things out... as GM did re: Mike. That he represented every man who had rejected/abandoned her...<br /><br />Sometimes I think the answers come rather easily... many times, not.<br /><br />It's a journey...<br /><br />~shoes~Red Shoeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01919277206516592912noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-83115621092142653642011-09-16T13:28:19.422-07:002011-09-16T13:28:19.422-07:00Bravo....wow that was a dia tribe and a gift to re...Bravo....wow that was a dia tribe and a gift to remind those who choose to support elevating the Spirit, finding what is right, supporting love in a humble fashion of coarse....love of of self and not to tear town our individual temples. Thank you for such a beautifully transparent raw experience shared. Real and true to form. Beautiful. DieselAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08174819061560751026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-89182212971677381662011-09-13T19:52:03.954-07:002011-09-13T19:52:03.954-07:00The only thing "wrong" with you is that ...The only thing "wrong" with you is that you put up with a sadistic man who would rather see you suffer through his silent treatments ( a sure sign he does not give a shit about your feelings) and put downs rather than be honest with you and say he really isn't that interested any more in making you happy. We all are bitches, nags and hags at some point, but that's just frustration and hormones speaking. The silent treatment is an intentional form of abuse that someone is using to beat you down psychologically.<br />You seem like a beautiful and magnificient being, if your life partner has been choosing this kind of strategy as his way of communicating, he is already on his way out. Someone like this whose behavior has been tolerated by you for this long knows he is holding the cards and power in the relationship. He is stripping you of your joy because he knows this kind of mind fuck creates suffering for you (how many years has he used this torture tactic?) yet he'd rather that than share his thoughts with you. Way less cruel is a good argument where some experession is taking place, tension is being released and things worked out. <br />I had a man like this, and he enjoyed the fact that I suffered so much when he pulled this shit on me. I remember the last day we were together and I was very loving towards him.<br /> But I did not realize he was itching to just move on, and all of a sudden he pulled it on me for the final time. He refused my affection, and refused to talk or respond to anything I said. I finally asked if he wanted us to break up, to the point of becoming hysterical. <br />When I finally got to that point, he said, "I don't really care."<br /> I moved out that day, and a week later, he had singles ads everywhere and never looked back. Don't bother wasting your time or money on counseling, because your core issue with him is not "your issues" it's this guy's immaturity and lack of interest in your emotional safety and well being. When he is not behaving having like an ass, ask him if he still has the same kind of feelings for you, or if they have changed over the years and doesn't know how to tell you that. Watch his reaction and the time it takes for him to actually speak up about it. I hope I am wrong, but you deserve someone who will treat you right and feels the same about you. Goddess blessmtngirl46https://www.blogger.com/profile/14350480600575954441noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-48486644113113841672011-09-13T08:58:56.973-07:002011-09-13T08:58:56.973-07:00I like that, Deb. "What's right with me?...I like that, Deb. "What's right with me?" I like that a lot. It's a much better question to ask than the one we all do, all too often.Mistor Wiiilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05932074405588185329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-80555335688032518472011-09-13T08:08:10.236-07:002011-09-13T08:08:10.236-07:00Part 5
I took my time making him. I could feel...Part 5 <br /><br /><br />I took my time making him. I could feel the shift even before he was complete. I started taking him places. I blogged about him. Mike made people smile. <br /><br />I shipped him to a campmate in Southern California who agreed to have him sit shotgun on his journey to BRC. Mikes ticket was one way. He would be burned along with the Man. <br /><br />Because they shared the same first name, I emailed a campmates who had split from our camp this year so that I could explain who Mike was. He had heard about Mike for 3 years now and did not reject my quest for inner peace. His email reply was light and uplifting. <br /><br />Due to the Hurricane, Mike beat me to the Playa. Oh the irony! He celebrated Fat Tuesday without me, dined on Gumbo and dance it up with campmates old and new.<br /><br />I arrived drained to a level that I had not felt since my first year and I greeted with a bombardment of negativity. Not from my campmates but from my former campmate who was telling his new campmates that I had made Mike to punish him. All I could feel was negativity... directed at me. It was suffocating. <br /><br />I focused on my feelings, my need to defend and then it hit me.... I finally understood who Mike was. He was every man who had ever rejected me, abandoned me. <br /><br />Starting with my father, who left when I was 2. And then it to the man who molested me when I was 7. And then to the boyfriend who told me I'd need to have sex with him or he'd dump me, and then when I did, he dumped me. But the worst rejection of all came from my son. <br /><br />How could you leave me???? ..... (so many tears) My first born, my only son.<br /><br />I had never allowed myself to feel anything negative about his choice to choose death. I understand its a brain disease, that he was not thinking clearly. I defended him in death just as I did in life. <br /><br />I was finally ready to honor and release my feelings of abandonment and rejection and with that came (to my great surprise) my need for male attention. I dressed for me. I felt good about me. I was silly and spontaneous without being seductive. <br /><br />And then I looked around me.... <br /><br />Every one of my campmates was joyous and loving, kind and generous. Excepting, open, forgiving, and nurturing - new campmates, old campmates. THESE are the people I've attracted into my life. <br /><br />deep... deep breath. <br /><br />I am learning. I am growing. I am free. I have found peace within myself.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-33490683870003464222011-09-13T08:07:44.725-07:002011-09-13T08:07:44.725-07:00Part 4
We made friends with a couple that campe...Part 4 <br /><br /><br />We made friends with a couple that camped next to us and we all formed a unique bond. Each year, more orphans found their way into the camp and deep, interpersonal connections flourished. <br /><br />There was a major shift this year and I fought it hard. Some wanted an open door policy - inviting more and more people that they'd met online or at regional burns, and others wanted to keep the invite to friends so that we'd maintain a more intimate setting. Eventually, feelings were hurt and the camp split. And my guilt came back with a vengeance. <br /><br />Yes, I'm opinionated, and at times controlling and bossy. I've never had a problem admitting my flaws. I also understand that the subset of wanting to control is the built-in opposing force of wanting to be controlled. When control motivates us we long to have someone to blame for our lives and our feelings. <br /><br />I'd wake every morning with my head spinning. I was focused on knowing that I had hurt people that I loved and that they were angry with me. My son was angry with me when he died. <br /><br />I spent several weeks focusing on this. Honoring the emotion. And releasing the emotion. And then..... the rejection of Mike resurfaced. Why did he dump me? What was the catalyst? And why couldn't I get him back? I knew feelings of rejection would churn and grow during the burn if I did focus on it so..... I made a giant voodoo doll and named him Mike. So there was no confusion I gave him a name tag that read, "MY NAME IS MIKE, I'M FROM BOSTON AND I HAVE ISSUES." I stuffed him full of tears, letters, and garments he had gifted me. For extra flavor, I added a few things from a former employee who was suing me.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-54325653475737725342011-09-13T08:06:44.570-07:002011-09-13T08:06:44.570-07:00PART 3
(I realize how calculated this sounds but...PART 3 <br /><br />(I realize how calculated this sounds but) At the time, all I understood was that he fed my insecurities. What I craved from my burn was male attention and he was safe. I wasn't attracted to him and I knew he would never try to overpower me. I felt in control and control is powerful and power was my drug. <br /><br />Back home, I was 7 years into a monogamous relationship - my first EVER and even though I had given myself permission to stray on the playa, I felt stronger staying true to a bond with a man I felt safe enough to love. <br /><br />In 2008, with less than a week to go before the Burn, Mike emailed me to say that due to work, he would not be attending and that I could not camp with his friends. And then.... he disappeared. I had already shipped my camping supplies (I'm an East coaster) and I was traveling solo. I was devastated. <br /><br />It never occurred to me not to go that year. Instead, I headed into the burn kicking and screaming. "FUCK IT... I'll camp solo. FUCK HIM, FUCK EVERYONE... I don't need anyone!" but I knew myself well enough to know that there was a strong chance that I'd shut myself off from everyone and everything. Or worse, that I'd project myself as a victim - something I deliberately avoided all my life, even after the death of my son. <br /><br />I put an ad on Tribe asking if anyone needed a "drama free" campmate (ha!). A man from B.E.D was the first to contact me. He was very open and kind, but I didn't feel a connection to him or to the camp (probably because I wasn't willing to provide a service). The next person to contact me was a woman from New Mexico. She explained that she was a virgin and would be arriving on the Green Tortoise bus. She had also met another newbie on Tribe named Lazy Boy. Lazy Boy had befriended a silver couple from Portland. The fact that none of us knew each other and that we were all orphans, was oddly comforting.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-72336552178056835132011-09-13T08:05:45.099-07:002011-09-13T08:05:45.099-07:00In preparation for this Burn - in addition to art ...In preparation for this Burn - in addition to art projects, costuming, temple projects, etc - I began reading a book called The Sedona Method, which was teaching me how to honor my emotions and release them - not allow them to define me. My goal every year is to grow and heal. This is my 9th year of growth and healing. When I first arrived I was a grieving mother. I was here to punish myself for not preventing my son's death. My transformation began at the Temple that year. For the next 7 years, I attached myself to the Temple as though it was my job. I was glued to it, not just during the burn but all year long.<br /><br />Burning Man is the place I feel closest to my son. Here, my inner voice is his and I trust his words. Last year, he told me to leave the Temple and to stop remembering the way he died and focus on the way I lived. That the more I reached beyond my self imposed boundaries - insecurities that have haunted me since I was a young girl - the more I would free him and myself. We are one. He also told me to look at the people I attracted into my life and the circumstances that surrounded them. That there were lessons for me to learn in each of them. <br /><br />My immediate reaction was to focus on the people that were no longer in my life. Lovers, friends, campmates who discarded/rejected me.<br /><br />Number one on my list was a man I camped with for 3 or 4 years. His name was Mike aka "Issue". He provided me with a great amount of attention. He was smart and funny and powerful in his default world, but here, he was a toy for me to play with. I allowed him to chase me, to lust over me. I even tricked him into thinking that he loved me. In truth, he had no idea who I was.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-25564041541509845402011-09-13T08:04:46.065-07:002011-09-13T08:04:46.065-07:00let me try again... my comment may have exceeded a...let me try again... my comment may have exceeded a blogger imposed limit. I'll have to post in Parts <br /> ************************************************************* <br />PART 1 <br /><br />Funny.... it never occurred to me that anything would ever be wrong with you (not that I know you on the inside). <br /><br />Thanks for writing from a deep place - for posting without projecting or preaching. Do you ever worry that if you go too deep you won't find your way back? (This is why I shy away from Kundalini ) .... <br /><br />I have yet to write about my Burn experience I think because I know I'll colorize it. But not here, because its safe to write here. No one will find me here. <br /><br />Burning Man is different for me every year and as I always say, you get what you need, not necessarily what you think you want.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4430720050247923071.post-56951253808413747602011-09-13T08:02:38.972-07:002011-09-13T08:02:38.972-07:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Green Monkeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18427381976705069464noreply@blogger.com