I was hiking in the mountains above the desert yesterday evening. Its spectacular up the 74 hwy,and 18 degrees cooler than the floor. As I was walking, I had a continuous stream of thoughts in my head, you know, the voice talking up there... all at once, I grew tired of the voice and my attention turned to the question of "why" was I hiking? to commune with nature?To be out of the desperate heat down below? To get a work out? all of these?In that moment ,I sensed a shift...I stopped,and was overcome with an emotion.There was uncertainty and I couldnt define it ,it melted into me and I went deeper into the feeling.It was painful,..I knew it..after a thorough search of my emotions data bank, I determined it ... hopelessness.I felt overcome with a hopeless feeling that no matter how much "work" I did,meditation, study, reading, yoga, breath work,...I could never break free of the voice, the habitual,incessant chatter of my thoughts....I was frozen,with no impulse driving me forward to take the next step."the next step to where?" I asked myself.I peered around the impending corner and saw ahead that the upcoming bend in the trail offered the same view,the same foliage, the same nature as where I was standing.In this new moment, I realized ,brightly, that where I was headed on the trail was NO different from where I was.To me, this seemed profound. No moment up ahead was better than the moment I was in! THIS MOMENT WAS THE ONLY ONE!
I paused in the enormity of the realization,smiling,"I could stop,I could just stop walking"...and I did. I turned around, facing the trail I had just walked past but seeing it as if for the first time.The scrubby brush was head high with the evening sunset blazing, brilliantly- orange fire, like a copper wash. The brush was red branches, copper dipped in emerald green.And every bush was alive! alive with the dazzling light of the sun, setting behind the far off mountains .I imagined it was a sea full of people,sitting on blankets,like at Coachella,watching a concert. ..and I was weaving in and out of them, respectfully threading my way back through them. I paused when I passed a large pinon pine tree,..the smooth ,flowing wind was blowing through its needles making a sound, that with reflection, became the waves crashing on a, not too distant, beach.The waves/wind ceaselessly caressing the pine tree needles ,slicing them apart, massaging their underbellies with a cool,fragrant, breeze. In this moment and each one that followed ,there was NO VOICE! I had to feel hopeless to be free from the thoughts.
I was reminded that the most delicious gardens grow from wasted decay and garbage.That the seed springs forth from the fertile soil of dung.That to recognize hope,freedom, and presence,we must go through darkness, for without the darkness ,there can be no appreciation of the light.
love, light, darkness, and hopelessness, all are welcome.
